Break the habit of score keeping in your relationships
Relationships December 2nd, 2007Steven Covey sparked my interest long ago talking about the laws of leadership and specifically about the law of reciprocity. The dictionary definition of reciprocity is:
A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade.
That exchange of favors that seems so natural with benefits for both parties is also, unfortunately, what gets in people’s way before reciprocity ever occurs. People get caught up in looking for the immediate benefit to themselves in many situations and don’t initiate that generous first step of offering their own help or service first. They also often expect a favor in return or feel that they owe someone who has done good to them. This selfish thinking or score keeping often stops a good deed from being done in the first place, which over time limits the good deeds returned. Its a cascade effect and emphasizes cinical thinking and just reinforces the selfish attitude and solitude for an individual.
The law of reciprocity is NOT a law that can be measured in any instance of time or even between the same parties involved for the give and take (click here). It works across ones whole life and so the payback or benefit can’t be recognized by looking at any scorecard with an individual or even in a specific relationship. Its a balance beyond any single measure, any single relationship and even beyond the time you serve here on earth (Romans 2:6 – He will reward each one according to his works)
Instead, what needs to occur is simple generosity. Be willing to offer help, give that time, pay for lunch, make that apology first, share some vulnerable personal story, step out of your comfort zone, make a step in faith, be brave, be first and be generous. Do this without keeping score, offer it every chance you get. Put the effort into your relationships without expectation! Everything about doing this changes your attitude, increases your outlook and joy in life and is eventually paid back, if not immediately, later in life and even in eternity. Every personal connection you develop is another opportunity in your life, both with business colleagues, friendships and family. A generous mind will graciously give AND accept offerings of help, money, service and advice. And these will come to you more naturally, and at the time of need for yourself or others.
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December 3rd, 2007 at 8:18 AM
Mike,
Yes, if I believe God has my best interest at heart, then obedience to a prompt toward generosity will always be in my best interest even if it “feels” expensive. Regardless of whether I see appreciation or even recognition for my generosity, I trust God to keep the tally. And if I get to heaven and I find I gave more than I received, I will rejoice. However, I often think about how much we are given (or not given) that we never recognize or appreciate. I suspect I will be astounded by this when I get to Heaven.
And conversely, I must use discernment to decline to get involved where it is not my place, even when the cause is noble. Jesus did not preach and heal 24 hours a day although he could have based on the crowds that chased him. He retreated. He rested. He sought the Father’s guidance and he said, I only did the things the Father told me to.
I don’t believe the world is a zero sum game. I trust there is enough for all of us if we live a giving life and not a getting one.
Regards,
Michelle
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:06 AM
Good points Michelle. Martha served to the point of distraction from her relationship with Christ (Luke 10:40). So yes, some times its more appropriate to sit quietly at the Lord’s feet and listen to what He has to say.
December 17th, 2007 at 6:14 AM
[…] often respond by connecting you to others who can help you in return. I wrote about this earlier to not keep score in your relationships which is reinforced throughout the […]
February 24th, 2008 at 8:41 AM
[…] often respond by connecting you to others who can help you in return. I wrote about this earlier to not keep score in your relationships which is reinforced throughout the […]