You Choose Every Response
Life April 7th, 2008
I wanted to publish this which originated from my last article about State of Mind , because this is also a technique that really requires you to master your own mind in your own responses in life. Basically this is about how people respond to things in life and I want to help teach that you have complete control over how to respond to everything in life. This is not only your state of mind, but also your actions, reactions and it even extends to all of your decisions and choices in life.
Choices
Basically what I want to say is that you make every single choice in your life and you are responsible for all of it. So many people think that they are victims in life and suffer from bad luck and circumstances that they have no control of. Now, any speaker I’ve heard talk about this always has their share of skeptics and critics and I’m sure I have the same here. And that is normal, this goes against what nearly everyone believes. Most people believe that they are victimized in society by all the bad stuff that happens to them and they aren’t willing to accept the fact that their choices and lifestyle that led to those negative things. People would rather believe that what happened to them was just out of their control.
One major exception that will likely never win an argument is that of child abuse and whether or not a child can really do anything about it. Well, that depends really on a child’s age and ability to stand up for themselves. I’ve heard about and read about children who have done something about abuse and ended up extremely happy living a wonderful life instead of letting it happen, dwelling on the past and feeling like a victim for the rest of their lives. If you don’t agree with this possibility to choose, that’s fine, please just keep on reading. After an age where we can stand up for ourselves and make our own decisions, we each are responsible for our own outcomes.
All our experiences, whether they are positive or negative are created by the choices we each make and are avoidable by making different choices. Negative experiences like accidents, attacks from someone else, situational mishaps, relation problems, “bad luck”, whatever it is, these occur because of our own choices in life. A person chooses to drive to work or drive in an unsafe manner when an accident occurs. A person chooses to live in an area or city where their is high crime and claim to be a victim when they are robbed. And people choose to respond in their own way to every situation they find themselves in. Since this is a very broad topic and deserves several articles on each area, I’m going to focus specifically on how people respond emotionally to situations.
No One Can Make You Feel Emotions
People are constantly blaming others and situations for their own problems. They say someone made them mad, or a type of person really annoys them, or that you can’t do something because of what someone else instills in your mind. Its all backwards and in reality, most people are just using the victim game because they don’t dare take responsibility for the bad things that occur in their lives. They continue to do the same things over and over, and expect different results (which is the definition of insanity, by the way). Learning to take control of your response will allow you to hold whatever emotions you want with nothing able to shift them. If something seems to make you angry, its not the something that made you angry, its you choosing to be angry because of that thing. Do you have to be angry because of it? Of course NOT!
Re-frame Your Response
Getting out of this trap involves learning to re-frame your thoughts and responses. You can do this by using the techniques I taught to Change Your State of Mind on my last article and also by being more aware of your decisions so you can change them (which of course needs practice). You must also believe that you can change your own mind and that your response is something that no one else nor anything else can change directly. This is very hard to do for most people as its difficult to accept and take responsibility for every emotion felt, it’s easier to simply blame others. That doesn’t mean its right though.
Some things to help learn this are:
- Pick one emotion you want to avoid each day – do this by picking something you often feel, and decide to re-frame it with a different state of mind when it happens.
- Concentrate and remind yourself through the day to watch for that emotion and change it the moment you recognize it happening.
- Utilize other techniques to reinforce that replacement feeling (such as with affirmations if they work for you)
- Write down each time you recognize it occurring (even identifying it without the ability to change it is a great starting point)
- Review these notes daily to see over a week how you can eliminate those feelings
This will train the mind to have a different automatic response or at least an immediate change when that initial feeling occurs. This takes practice to master but will introduce a massive shift in your life to control your state of mind and control your response to everything that happens to you. This can boost your energy, positivity, self-esteem, integrity, beliefs, relationships and many other areas of your life as your emotions and state of mind affect everything you do. Take some time to work on this. And I’d love to hear about your own experiences in learning this and how it goes for you! Let me know if you are interested in this topic and more related articles by leaving a comment!
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Mike King
April 9th, 2008 at 11:12 AM
Hey my name is D.O. and I recently posted a comment on your post about Shane Claiborne telling you about Another World is Possible. Well I’ve just got one more thing I wanted to tell you about and then I’ll leave you alone. The folks who made the AWIP DVD’s are making a feature-length documentary called “The Ordinary Radicals.” The film will address many of the negative stereotypes that are affiliated with present-day Christianity, and tell the stories of ordinary folks who are disproving these generalizations. People doing pretty amazing things, motivated by their faith. I think you should check it out. Interviews include folks like Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, Ron Sider, Becky Garrison, and a whole host of others. If you’d like to learn more or pre-order the DVD, check out the website at http://www.theordinaryradicals.com.
Oh, and realize that this has nothing to do with your post, but I couldn’t find a “contact” link anywhere to email you. If you want you can delete it, but please don’t spam me… that’s a tough one to undo.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:03 PM
Hey Derrick,
Don’t worry about contacting me here, that is cool. Until I get a contact form on this site (which obviously I need) this is your best bet. I will check out that video, I’m definitely interested and will likely watch it with a couple friends I’ve discussed Shane’s book with. Thanks for the reminder/link about it!!
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 AM
I know this article is nearly a year old … but it’s still a great article!
I agree that we always have choice and often choose not to recognise that, for whatever reason. I’m not convinced we always have choice about what happens to us but we always have choice about how we deal with it, and react to it. Other people or circumstances never make victims out of us, we do that ourselves.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:27 AM
Just googled being defensive when confronted with questions that seemed inappropriate under disability insurance coveragei felt the ins erot was being quite ride & insensitive. I reacted emotionally for sure! Your article on not allowing anyone to trigger unwanted emotions certainly has me thinking!
May 3rd, 2010 at 9:18 AM
I found your site while searching the web for tips on how to control people. Although what you write about is a little different from what I was searching for, I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Would it be okay if I use a part of your writing and link back to your site?
August 6th, 2011 at 3:45 PM
The whole victim complex is a very telling part of this article as so many of us either feel sorry for ourselves, dwell on things or get jumpy at even the most trivial of situations we find ourselves in. The end result? Pent up anger, resentment, sleepless nights, stress, feelings of lacking power, and you can keep on going ad infinitum.
There has to be a middle ground between blaming other people and blaming ourselves as too much of either can cause an issue to escalate. I won’t give any specific examples but recently I have noticed how quick I am to either immediately talk back to someone who has criticised me or said something I didn’t like, or on the contrary I would soak it up like a sponge until my emotions exploded to someone who was caring enough to listen.
I have a great life, really enjoy being with a lot of the people around me, but I have a tendency to allow little things to get to me. By reading into things, you can enable others to assume power over your own personal feelings which is a load of garbage if one thinks about it properly. Why absorb and hang onto every single word that comes your way? If someone hits out at you then they have their own underlying problems, such as having a bad day at work or being discontent with an aspect of their own life. You control your emotions by taking that all important deep breath before confidently responding in a way which won’t aggravate your adversary.
February 9th, 2012 at 1:23 PM
I have to differ from you in regards to people’s choices. Not all have choices. If you look at the millions of victims of human trafficking, that is, modern day slavery for instance, do you think they chose to be trafficked, abused and exploited and even killed? How about countries in war? What choice do those people who lost all have? And let us not mention the many who do not even know they have choices. They have been brain washed and their souls have been crushed. They live in an environment where that is all they know. And they believe with all their heart that is their fate and they might do better in a future incarnation if they just endure their misery. This is how victims of poverty think in a cast system. There are many more examples of situations I could cite where people simply do not have a choice. So, no. I do not agree all people have choices.
February 9th, 2012 at 7:22 PM
@marisa, I understand your reaction and of course sometimes choices are LIMITED but there are still always choices and we are taught, influenced or brainwashed (if you want to call it that) into responding a certain way. In every terrible situation there are stories of some incredible individual who got out of slavery, or poverty or entrapment and turned there life around. There are equally, places where individuals had everything in their favor and they still ended up in turmoil, despair and sometimes on the brink of much evil, or suicide or worse.
However, the response a person takes is still their response, it might not have a great outcome but it is still their choice. If someone puts a gun to your head and says, give me all your money, you can do it, or not. Still your choice. If you believe a certain fate is true, you still have the choice to test it or go against that belief. Your reaction is quite typical because of horrible circumstances, but it really doesn’t change anything, just the outcomes, but not the choices.
May 24th, 2012 at 7:26 PM
Good to read this post, isn’t this what all religions preach. choices.
May 26th, 2012 at 8:06 AM
@sahar, not sure why you think this has anything to do with religious teaching, and I’d say many religions are based on rules, not choices, but that is a whole other debate. Choices let you lead a life how you want based on beliefs and experience, those choices and responses in life shape your character, your reputation and really, your happiness.
October 9th, 2012 at 3:16 PM
Hi Mike,
I really love all your articles, but not sure I chose everything that happens to me… What if I am the safest driver and someone rear ends me while I am completely stopped, driving safely and obeying all traffic laws? How did I chose that to happen, by chosing to drive to work that day? I’m not sure that just because I chose to drive to work, I chose to be rear-ended… perhaps I chose the possibility of this happening, but not the action itself.
October 10th, 2012 at 5:48 PM
I didn’t say that you can choose every action that happens TO you, I said you can choose every response to every action that happens to you. Of course you choose a lot of things like your car, your home location, your route to work, how you drive, where you drive, when you drive, etc that all impacts actions so you do ultimately choose to take on known risks like vehicle accidents. I rode my bike for 12 years to work for example, knowing I’d never have to repair my car/truck since I cycled. That led to other things and actions, but I still choose that. My reaction when someone hit me off my wheel with their truck, was my response. That is what you really have a choice in and it can affect a lot of things in your life. So, choose your responses wisely…