True Forgiveness
Relationships May 4th, 2009Forgiveness is never as easy as it seems and there are unfortunately a lot of false forgiveness going on in this world. People know the value of forgiving someone, so often the process that is learned to forgive someone is practiced but the heart behind that forgiveness is not yet there so it’s a fake. Forgiveness goes much much deeper than the words you say or actions you take.
Your heart and soul must be engaged for true forgiveness, not just your actions.
Trapped in the Past
The need for forgiveness always stems from some moral wrongdoing, harm caused to self and others or some situation that leads a person feeling victimized. Each of these leave reminders and memories in our lives about our past and locks us into a cycle of guilt, doubt, and pain. Getting out of this cycle and looking at what true forgiveness really entails is so important. It’s tough to do though, since true forgiveness is very difficult.
Victimization is a huge roadblock for many things in life and certainly, its connected to forgiveness and nearly always the reason preventing true forgiveness from happening. These victim scenarios are held fast in our minds and to forgive, we must let them go and look to move on from that situation or hurt associated with it. The pain is real and should not be suppressed, it should be dealt with and faced instead. Victimization keeps reviving those feelings and locks us in to continual feelings of guilt, shame and anger. Release those feelings of resentment and look forward to future intentions.
Acceptance, Not Tolerance
Often apologies and the age old response of “I forgive you” are treated as the steps to forgiveness and while those actions can be helpful in the process of forgiveness, they are not enough themselves. Forgiveness is a process, not a single event and it goes much deeper than what you say or reveal to others.
Often forgiveness is pushed to the surface for others to see where there is still resentment inside. This is not forgiveness, it’s tolerance and it does nothing to get by the internal pain of the wrong doing. True forgiveness takes that so much deeper and turns the wrong doing around by acceptance of it and understanding of it. This certainly doesn’t mean you agree with it or are not hurt by it, but it does mean you fully accept the actions, the pain and can let it go so you are no longer trapped by the hurtful act.
Acceptance comes from within when forgiving actions and it requires one to find acceptance within your own beliefs, understanding and experience. You cannot repeatedly stumble or dwell on a problem and have truly forgiven it. They just can’t coexist. To forgive, is to accept and to move on.
There is Always Love in Forgiveness
I can’t write about forgiveness without including love. Love is the foundation of true forgiveness and must be present. Love is far more powerful than anger and hatred and is exactly why it enables forgiveness to happen. Love prevails. Love endures.
Love when it comes to forgiveness is about the love of others and love of self necessary to bring true acceptance, repentance for wrong doings and even the hope to look only for future intentions. Self love battles the victimization and can lead a person from shame or pity from a hurtful act to forgive themselves, learn from those actions and use it to serve others and the future.
More from Mike King
- 50 Ways to Be More Humble and to Act Humbly
- 6 Steps to Pull Yourself Out of a Slump
- The Power of a Plan
Related Sites and Articles
- 20 Methods to Increase Your Confidence (Warrior Mind Coach)
- Forgiveness and Personal Power (Warrior Mind Coach)
Prev: Resources – April 2009
Next: How to be More Productive with Any Software Application
May 4th, 2009 at 7:39 AM
Being trapped in the past is the absolute worst — and it’s so hard to get out of sometimes. I think you make some great points here about victimization. I also really love the part about acceptance, not tolerance. There’s a BIG difference and I think it’s great that you’ve pointed that out. Thanks for this…I think a LOT Of people (including me!) will really benefit from reading this post.
May 4th, 2009 at 2:53 PM
You really hit home with this one.I have always been looked up on as a role model in my family.Being the oldest grand-daughter that is excepted.As a child I was called “lil Momma” I helped with the younger kids.Then as a teen I was combined in the “always do right zone”.Experiences were limited and I did my parents proud.Many have asked me if I have regrets and I have learned each experience was a lesson and you cant reject a lesson – only learn from it.I can’t say honestly that love was included in the two relationships I had prior to this one,one was the other my immature ignorance.The thing is you need experience these in order to know what makes you happy.
For some time I blamed my first EX-boyfriend what happened between us.He was older and more experienced.So easy to do.After my ego healed I realized I too had a significant part of our break up.I just wasn’t ready. #2 wasn’t ready for me.Bit #3 is a charm.
It took me a while too get my head above water and not place the blame on my partner at the time.
You may enjoy what the other brings to you but after awhile it wares off.Boyfriend #1 was the office golden boy.#2 the jock with baggage,but only an ex-wife who was his childhood sweetheart.She had more stasis then me.
What you need to realize is experience bring you closer to what you are looking for so you shouldn’t regret them.They are apart of your life and what make you who you are today. HAPPY !
May 4th, 2009 at 6:02 PM
@Positively Present, thanks for your comments on this, I really appreciate it!
@Bunny. Thanks for the feedback as well. You’ve added a lot of personal reflection here which shows that this area is something close for you. It is interesting how our experiences shape our thoughts and feelings as well on how we perceive forgiveness based on where we are in life. Needless to say, its still necessary to get of the past and accept the way it is. This is different than regret depending on if you are the forgiven or the forgiving as well.
May 5th, 2009 at 8:02 AM
Hi Mike,
I think moving on and accepting the out come has enlightened me.Many people stay in obviously relationships and jobs but aren’t happy.
It is a learning process.Either have eyes wide open or keep them shut.Part of it I experienced was learning to deal with myself.Forgive yourself and you are able to forgive others.You cant look at yourself as “the victim” unless that is how you want to be perceived in life.
I decided to share the personal stuff because with work it was a different emotion.You have to be strong and confident to achieve success in both.
Stressing over something for too long makes it harder to see the truth which in most cases was staring you in the face right along.
I am pro-marriage!I am only going to do this once.:)
May 5th, 2009 at 8:24 AM
I like this. It’s true…and hard to do…but forgiving is worth it. Thanks. (I just posed something similar. http://thirtyseconds.tumblr.com/post/102132115/the-f-bomb-read-more )
Take care.
AK
May 5th, 2009 at 3:57 PM
@Bunny – I definitely agree with you there. I’ll join you in the camp of only getting married once. So far so good, and its all joy…
@Andy – Yes, its definitely a hard thing to do deep down. Of all the tatoos I’ve ever seen, that might actually be the closest one to something I’d consider. It’s a powerful word and not a time based one. Thanks for your comment!
May 5th, 2009 at 9:01 PM
There is definitely love in forgiveness. This week, I was so stressed out with my daughter’s progress with maths. I kept wondering why she couldn’t understand any of the concepts being taught in the textbooks. It’s been 6 months and she keeps staring at her worksheets at every lesson. I finally gave up and had to ask her, “Have you been listening in class? Why haven’t you read this page?” She wept and said, “Teacher never used it in class.” “What?” I thought to myself. “Doesn’t you teacher used the textbook at all in class?” “No, never. What’s the point of bring book to school?” On that note, I realised also that her textbook was indeed very clean. Now my kid loves to draw, paint, and doodle. To return home with a clean page is really unlike her. I compared her maths book with that of her Mandarin. What a difference!
Later that night. I hugged her and said, “Muumy owe you an apology darling. I was very wrong to have spoken to you so harshly. It was not your fault. I will speak to your teacher. Will you forgive me?”
She sat on my lap on her bed, “You know mummy, I always forgive you! No matter what you do.” Her eyes filled with tears but she has full control of her voice. My girl could say it with so much love and affection, you can almost feel the angels hugging us as well.
I confronted the teacher yesterday. AND she had the cheek to tell me, “Personally, I do not like using the textbook!” It explains why my daughter had no idea what concepts she is supposed to refer to!! And all this time I thought she was being lazy to think!
So when acceptance, forgiveness and unconditional love are present, only will two parties involved in a situation where one is hurt or challenged to prove himself, find true forgiveness. (Well, I haven’t yet finished with the teacher. Duh!)
May 5th, 2009 at 9:02 PM
Forgiveness is one of the best thing we can give or receive in this world. It has come more readily to me over the years. Not to forgive only poisons oneself. Besides, I know I have done many things for which I need forgiveness. That knowledge helps, too.
May 5th, 2009 at 9:33 PM
@Hanifa, great story and example of true forgiveness. There this often a needed understanding there to make it work and certainly that example of love is involved, as in your story. Thanks so much for sharing it!
@Karen. I think we are all in the same boat as you in that it is something to practice and get better at, but we will always continue to need forgiveness ourselves.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:58 AM
Touching words about forgiveness. Been there many times and many times I tried to forgive without letting it go, without accepting. It’s only when you are completely accepting all the surroundings of your life that you can practice true forgiveness.
That was an inspiring post, Mike
Thank You!
May 6th, 2009 at 6:33 AM
Mike, this is a great post on forgiveness. Our pastor gave a message on forgiveness: it’s both a crisis and a process. The crisis comes when we make that first decision to let go and forgive. The process is full of crises, during which we have to make the decision time and again to forgive. Also, forgiveness involves action, and lovingly speaking the truth to the person who has offended. Perhaps it’s because that is so tough that many of us put off forgiveness for so long.
May 6th, 2009 at 8:13 PM
@Dragos – Thanks for the comments. Yup, forgiveness is generally held up only by ourselves so we must get by that first.
@Steve – Yes, great points how there is a crisis to trigger the fogiveness and then a process to make it actually happen. It definitely takes more than just the point of saying your forgiven, it involves truth and understanding of that. Thanks for sharing these additions!
July 1st, 2009 at 6:03 AM
Forgiveness is a kind of purification of one’s soul.It gives the space for love in the mind and heart.It is very important to forgive.
July 28th, 2009 at 3:43 AM
[...] True Forgiveness (LearnThis.ca) [...]
August 8th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
A wise man once said The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. It is true, forgiving someone is a hard thing to do. It is a process, and not just a phrase. When you forgive you must learn to forget the past, and give the person you forgave a clear path in you life, that way there are no hurdles blocking the person. Don’t remain judging him because of the past, that is not forgiveness.
Till then,
Jean
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 PM
“When you forgive you must learn to forget the past” I don’t think it’s about forgetting, that’s not realistic, it’s about accepting that it happened but choosing not to let it have an effect on your life today
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:27 PM
Kelly, I guess that is right but if you truly accept it and move on, ultimately you will forget about it. You definitely can’t forget about it if you haven’t accepted it and continue to dwell on the past. I guess this is just how you look at “forgetting it” so I totally understand what you mean with this correction.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:17 AM
Hello i have just read yor post. i found it most helpful. I myself are in the process of trying to forgive my husbands affair with my best friend . the affair lasted 14 months.if you have any more words of wizdom i would love your help with this process i understand what forgiveness truely means its just very hard.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:07 PM
The first step is forgiving yourself. You must forgive yourself before you can move forward and forgive anyone else. Forgiveness is key, This was a beautiful post.