Leadership by Listening
Learning September 21st, 2010
Leadership is not always about having people follow you. It is also about being an example for others to look up to and about being a person of good character and morals. There are many skills a leader must have and one of the most important ones is to be a strong listener. Good leaders truly do listen more than they speak and they let people follow their actions, more than their words. Listening is a skill that is not only difficult to do but humbling since it requires great discipline to simply be quite and talk less than you listen. It sounds simple, it is, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Here are some ways to become a better listener and show leadership in that listening.
- Segue Into Conversation
- Purposefully Eliminate Interruptions (technology, multitasking, etc)
- Hold Back the Urge To Speak
- Interact Passively
Segue Into Conversation
In order to listen well in a conversation you must be able to focus on it. When a conversation first starts, you are almost always already doing something with your mind thinking about that so it can be difficult to immediately be attentive in conversation as a listener. That is where a segue comes in handy. A segue is simply a smooth transition from one topic to another, or in this case, from one activity to another. It can be a brief statement or action that you do to trigger your mind to switch towards the conversation so you can engage fully in listening attentively. A number of things can work as a segue, you just need to find and use your own method for switching tasks into an active conversation. It is best to find both an action and a statement to use.
- Action – this could be something as simple as stepping or spinning away from your work area or computer to start a new conversation.
- Statement – the other part of a strong segue is to make a statement about starting a conversation. This works well to help you shift your mindset and shows the other person(s) that you are truly listening attentively. It might sound like, “OK, just one second here, let me step away from what I was doing, can you start again from the start and you now have my full attention”.
Purposefully Eliminate Interruptions
Interruptions in conversations are terribly distracting and disruptive to both people and quite frankly, they are often unintentionally disrespectful. Everything from email and cell phones to bosses or other people stepping in to break a conversation that is already in place. It is your job to eliminate these as best you can. The segue can help if you have stepped away from your work area and computer, you can turn off your cell phone and leave it ‘out of sight’, and you can kindly ask people who do interrupt to wait or let you get back to them shortly after you have finished your conversation. Every step you take to show you are focused on the other individual shows them respect and allows you to be a good listener, which you cannot do effectively with distractions.
Hold Back the Urge to Speak
Listening requires one really important point. You simply need to shut up, and listen. It’s simple but hard to do. Listening really requires more than simply not speaking but also the urge to speak. When we have the urge to speak even if we don’t open our mouths our minds are already thinking about what we want to say and we stop listening when we do this. This is the danger of the urge to speak, long before we actually add our two bits to a conversation. Learning to hold back the urge to speak takes a lot of discipline and practice. The best way I’ve learned to do this is to focus on rewording what the other person is saying as they are saying it so our mind is busy really thinking about what they said instead of formulating our own response. This ensures you are listening. The only danger with this internal rewording is to get lost in translation and lose focus on continuing to listen. I suggest you use verbal paraphrases and reflection with the other person when you need to slow them down or stop for thinking a bit longer on what they said. This will also show you are really thinking about what they are saying and not just holding your tongue.
When you do finally have something to add or comment on in a conversation, ensure you wait for an obvious pause and count a few seconds before responding. You want to ensure the other person is truly done expressing their thoughts and ready to stop and listen to you. After all, what good will your comment have if they are not listening to you because you interrupted their thought. Slowing down a conversation gives you more time to think about what you do have to say and a lot more time to think about and reflect on what others have to say. This is a skill of all great leaders and one that is valuable in every relationship you will develop.
Interact Passively
Interacting as a listener must be done with careful skill to not interrupt or break the other person’s train of thought but still enable you to show interest and engagement in the conversation. Interaction with the other person in conversation will help you stay focused on what you hear without having your mind wander from what the other person is saying. Passive interaction can be many things:
- Nodding to show agreement or understanding
- Verbal cues like ‘uhha’, ‘OK’, ‘go on’, ‘hmm’, ‘I see’, etc
- Leaning toward the person to show interest
- Facial expressions to show reaction or impact to what was said
Keep in mind each of these interactions should be subtle and not distract the other person in their part of the conversation. Show your interest, but don’t interrupt them or break their train of thought. More interactive methods I mentioned earlier can be used but only at the appropriate time such as paraphrasing or responding with questions or reflection on their ideas to expand and explore a topic in more detail. It allows you to have the person tell you more without putting your own ideas or opinions out their yet. All these methods are important in conversation to keep a high level of interaction in place while remaining passive as a listener and not taking over a conversation.
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September 21st, 2010 at 10:06 AM
Hi Mike.
I like the alliteration in the title. I didn’t know that segue was spelled like that also.
Interruptions in conversations sure aren’t so great. Either person can tell when the other person has been mentally interrupted, and then they usually pull back.
Holding back the urge to speak is always worth it. The other person quickly realizes your understanding of the process, and they usually give you ample time to get one of your points across as well.
Giving to others during conversation is always worth it because it leaves them with a good feeling about you.
September 21st, 2010 at 5:59 PM
@Armen – Ya, I kept writing it as Segway like the scooter thing you always see reference to. The normal spelling looks odd but apparently its correct! Anyway, yes, that urge to speak is the best thing to work on for listening better.
And great point to highlight the value of giving to others as well. Thanks for that!
September 22nd, 2010 at 5:36 AM
Listening… the one simple way to tapping into people’s minds…
Works wonders.
True.
September 22nd, 2010 at 8:21 AM
Great leaders do have good listening skills. Too often times, you meet that CEO or talk to your upper boss that it seems like he doesn’t have the time of day or care for listening to you. It definitely goes a long ways when you have a leader who is willing to listen to you, and genuinely cares!
Till then,
Jean
September 22nd, 2010 at 6:56 PM
@Akshay – isn’t that true. We’ll certainly never learn of another person’s mind by doing nothing but talking all the time!!! Love it!
@Used tires – Thanks jean for your comment and experience. Listening has a big affect on impressions and how others consider you to be people oriented or not.
September 23rd, 2010 at 1:49 PM
‘ You simply need to shut up, and listen’ is a great line. And much, much harder than it sounds. To really listen to someone without thinking about what you are going to say next, or what they have just said, or what you are making for dinner is a skill we could probably all improve on, I like your idea to paraphrase what they said, really helps to focus.
September 28th, 2010 at 3:44 AM
It’s always important to master the art of listening. It’s a skill lacking in many aspects of societies and organizations, and looking around us, we see proofs of people that would rather be monopolizing the stage than give value to the people in the audience. For one, listening is a learning process as well. We learn a lot by hearing out the ideas of others, and it’s educating that we get insights from people, regardless of who they are. As for me, it has helped hone the ability to process the most fitting ideas and thoughts to words, instead of just jumping into conclusions and then rebutting someone else’ words. Listening has also sharpened that important aspect of communication, which is to make others know that their words and thoughts on matters are as important as what I have to say. After all, communication is that delicate exchange that when listening is taken away, there’s just unappreciated grandstanding from one end, and an uncaring and uncared for beings on the other end. This is a really helpful article, Mike! Keep it up! I look forward to more great stuff about communications from you!
September 29th, 2010 at 4:13 PM
Dear Mike, this is phenomenal!! You have put soooooo much into this. It’s the best article I think I’ve ever read on the value of listening. It should be in a magazine. A very large magazine that would reach a lot of people, because it’s advice we all need to hear.
I LOVE listening, and have become better at it in the last few years, BUT STILL, old habits can die hard. So it is something I am always trying to improve. My husband tells me I am a great listener, but he is the one who taught me. And not with his words, but through his amazing ability to simply listen.
This makes me think of something he once said. He, like me, is a musician, and he said: “Without moments of silence in the music, we cannot hear the music.” So basically without silence (“shutting up”) we never hear the other person.
I learned this years ago: my husband processes very fast silently (am slower silently), and he is much slower at verbal expression (I am quick at verbal expression). What I’ve learned over the years is that if I don’t shut up and allow long pauses where maybe nothing is being said, I miss what he is getting ready to say. If I wait and just sit still he will come out with the most mind blowing insights, wisdom and more, things I didn’t even know he was feeling! So now if he even starts to speak I shut up and listen, allowing him plenty of time, and not jumping in the moment there is pause. Because I can hardly wait to hear what will come out of him. So he has helped me to see the great value in listening.
You have enormous depth in you. This would make a great public talk. We are often taught “public speaking”, but we are rarely taught “public listening”.
Wonderful rich post Mike! A great reminder for me.
Thank you for sharing. I am going to tweet this.
Hugs to you, and I hope you are doing REALLY well.
Robin
September 29th, 2010 at 9:12 PM
Thank you Kate, I wondered if that would come across as being too strong, so thanks for highlighting that, as I’m glad I included it and think it to be vary valuable.
@Arina – Great points! I am quick to form my words from thoughts so don’t need that silence for my sake, however, for other’s sake, it will always have to be something intentional for me to do, listen that is. I have certainly learned the value in it.
@Robin – thanks so much you are always so kind and intentional in your replies. I love that. Similar to my comment above to Arina and on the subject of quick with thoughts or quick with words… I had always been quick with words in responses and conversation and it massively limited my ability to connect with people who needed the pauses and silence to form their thoughts. I was never stopping long enough to listen and conversations would end without me ever hearing their side. My wife and several people I’ve worked with for a number of years now have forced me to learn this and I can’t stress strongly enough now how listening has changing those relationships and my approach in communication.
I can finally let go of what I used to hate in awkward silence and simply be content to shutup, wait and listen for what others have to say, even if they take WAAYYY longer to formulate their words than I might. It’s completely changed my communication style and something I will always be aware of going forward. I urge the same for others and clearly you Robin have learned the same with your Husband. I sincerely appreciate your conversations here. Thank you!!!
October 6th, 2010 at 8:39 AM
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