The Dangers of Gossip

Gossip is one of the most common problems in the workplace as well as in relationships.  The biggest problem with it is that most people don’t even realize when a discussing takes a turn towards gossip and even worse is that they don’t realize the impact of gossip. Well gossip is a relationship killer and it happens much more frequently than you might want to believe.  Gossip is basically anything that could be seen as a negative spoken about one person to another when they are not there to hear it first hand.  It could be something very simple with zero intent to harm them and it could be as harsh as an intentional slander of someone’s character.

There is nothing good about gossip and it usually hurts the person under gossip and the people involved in sharing the gossip.  There are risks in having the person find out about a person sharing gossip (gossips) as well as the pain and hurt to that person of whatever negative information is spread.  There are many additional dangers of gossip:

• stress to those involved
• hurt feelings
• destroys teamwork
• destroys the desire for people to share any meaningful vulnerabilities
• prevents communication that requires trust by encouraging people to keep their mouth shut
• creates undeserved reputations

Your Own Choices Around Gossip

All of these dangers should be enough to convince anyone to avoid gossip, unfortunately, they are not.  Gossip is temping and often encouraged by the behaviors of people.  Gossips welcome all new gossip and they often turn those who don’t participate in their gossip into their own victims of new gossip. Its often easier to participate than to risk becoming a victim and for many there is also an attraction (for a multitude of reason) to participate for their own reasons.  Gossip is selfish and usually malicious in that it downplays or attacks someone else (whether subtle or obvious) to make the gossips look better in comparison.  This is exactly why its so destructive because it destroys so much in oneself, let alone the victims of gossip.  It destroys your character and puts you into a position where you can’t be trusted.  The power that gossip gives is very temporary and usually short sided which ends up coming back negatively to the gossips.  The most common of these methods is when gossip turns around and the people involved in gossip then become victims of gossip themselves, often within the same group destroying any bonds the gossip might be falsely or temporarily created anyway.  Other consequences of gossip are getting caught, building mistrust, false relationships, spreading untrue rumors and many hurt feelings and people left in the wake of gossip.

The great thing about gossip is that it really is very easy to free yourself from it if you can chose to avoid it and learn a few techniques to help identify it, handle it and stay clear of the problems caused by it.  So how is that done?

Identify Gossip

Many times gossip is quite obvious and undisguised.  It could be as simple as people asking questions about what you heard or know or thought about someone else or their actions.  It could sound like the following:

• Did you hear what Frank said to Sally?
• You wouldn’t believe what I heard John did this weekend?
• I heard that Gerry…
• Did you see Lisa’s new boyfriend?

All these do not necessarily lead to negative gossip but they are obvious conversations about other people and should be very easy to identify in a conversation or start of one.  Not all gossip is as easy to recognize as this, unfortunately, and sometimes it is much more disguised.  It might even happen when talking with a friend or colleague when the conversation started about simple facts or positives about someone else and shifted to negatives or problems about that person.  If you are not talking about how to help that person, support them to resolve their problems or some other positive action when discussing others, its quite likely its turning into gossip.  Basically, if you are talking about someone else, you need to really stop and think if you are doing it to help them or not.  If your not, its gossip and there is no need for it.

Influencing Gossip

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21

Since gossip is so powerful it has a great influence on others and so it must be battled through positive influence in response.  There are a number of actions you can take against gossip.

Ignore it:

• Avoid people who talk gossip and don’t give any opportunities for them to spread it
• Simply leave the room or conversation when gossip starts
• Don’t respond to questions about opinions on others or other gossip traps
• Ignore gossip and don’t engage in any gossip based conversations

Prevent it:

• Never start any of your own gossip
• Change the topic whenever a conversation leads to gossip
• Refuse to listen or respond to any gossip you are faced with
• Hide any hurt feelings or dramatic reaction to gossip.  This fuels the gossips to continue as its often what gossips want to generate.

Confront it:

• Politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they are present
• If you know the source of gossip, go and confront them immediately and calmly tell them you do not appreciate them talking about you and that it causes hurt feelings whether intentional or not.
• If you hear someone start some gossip, offer to go to that victimized person with the gossiper right away to discuss it.
• Simply respond to gossip, “Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” and walk away.
• State I don’t like talking about other people because I don’t like them talking about me.
• State that you don’t talk about others unless its to help them or support them
• State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 27 Comments »

Communication is an area that we can forever improve on and its an important area for anyone interested in personal development.  With my recent discovery about Appreciative Inquiry and looking more carefully at how to employ a new method of communication, I’ve realized there is much we do in communication that is based on habits.  These habits are often harmful and promote bad communication styles.  Most of us are trained to be advocates in our communication, that is one who argues there case, pushes what they want and seeks to find approval of that communicated message and to find followers doing so (Oh ohhh…, that might include a few bloggers then as well!).

The One Communication Mistake We All Make

There is one mistake everyone makes from time to time in the way they communicate.  This is when we send our message instead of communicating in a way that ensures our message is in fact received.  This happens when we are impatient or not considering the other person’s perspective and we simply think that making our voice heard and our message sent is in fact communicating.  Well, it is not.  Communication is all about how you actually deliver your message and so you cannot simply send your message without knowing it is actually received.

Don’t make the mistake of sending your message simply to get your ideas out without regard for others.  Keep your ego at bay when you want to be heard and consider whether it is an appropriate time for the receiver as well as you to communicate.  Remember, if they are not going to hear it, then it isn’t worth saying.

Getting Past Being Right

The next mistake often made in communication is that of having to be right.  Many of us just love to be right and it is a conversation and healthy communication killer.  If you do not stop to listen to other perspectives and accept new ideas in the way you communicate, this having to be right habit will surface often and it a tough problem to break.  Trust me, I know from experience.  I can’t say I’ve broken this habit myself but its something I’m much more aware of and I do notice it and stop myself often.  If you simply state that you disagree AFTER listening to another person’s angle and actually ensuring you understand it, you can still debate things in conversation but if you have a habit of telling someone else how they are wrong, you can immediate kill the conversation.

Criticism

Criticism for some people is very easy and its often the first thing on your mind when you hear other people’s ideas.  I think this is closely related to the bad habit of having to be right and this one comes more subtle but even more dangerous because often it isn’t even founded in anything.  Being critical and voicing it often comes very easy to most.  Its a way to express creative ideas but unfortunately, when it is delivered as critism, it is often a power trip for a creative mind to show their creative powers over another’s idea.

All three of these bad communication habits lead to adversarial communications and they can harm your relationships with other people.  Be aware of these in your conversations and look to eliminate these bad habits by replacing them with good communication habits.  Listen more than you speak, try to actually understand what others are telling you before debating it and don’t tell them they are wrong or make generalizations about people with words like always and never.  Keep your criticism at bay and do your best to keep conversations going by showing interest in others, inquiring more about what they want to talk about and by staying open minded of other’s ideas.  These steps will help you practise good communication techniques and can lead you away from the bad habits that bring upon adversarial communication.

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 21 Comments »

Forgiveness is never as easy as it seems and there are unfortunately a lot of false forgiveness going on in this world.  People know the value of forgiving someone, so often the process that is learned to forgive someone is practiced but the heart behind that forgiveness is not yet there so it’s a fake.  Forgiveness goes much much deeper than the words you say or actions you take.

Your heart and soul must be engaged for true forgiveness, not just your actions.

Trapped in the Past

The need for forgiveness always stems from some moral wrongdoing, harm caused to self and others or some situation that leads a person feeling victimized.  Each of these leave reminders and memories in our lives about our past and locks us into a cycle of guilt, doubt, and pain.  Getting out of this cycle and looking at what true forgiveness really entails is so important.  It’s tough to do though, since true forgiveness is very difficult.

Victimization is a huge roadblock for many things in life and certainly, its connected to forgiveness and nearly always the reason preventing true forgiveness from happening.  These victim scenarios are held fast in our minds and to forgive, we must let them go and look to move on from that situation or hurt associated with it.  The pain is real and should not be suppressed, it should be dealt with and faced instead.  Victimization keeps reviving those feelings and locks us in to continual feelings of guilt, shame and anger.  Release those feelings of resentment and look forward to future intentions.

Acceptance, Not Tolerance

Often apologies and the age old response of “I forgive you” are treated as the steps to forgiveness and while those actions can be helpful in the process of forgiveness, they are not enough themselves.  Forgiveness is a process, not a single event and it goes much deeper than what you say or reveal to others.

Often forgiveness is pushed to the surface for others to see where there is still resentment inside.  This is not forgiveness, it’s tolerance and it does nothing to get by the internal pain of the wrong doing.  True forgiveness takes that so much deeper and turns the wrong doing around by acceptance of it and understanding of it.  This certainly doesn’t mean you agree with it or are not hurt by it, but it does mean you fully accept the actions, the pain and can let it go so you are no longer trapped by the hurtful act.

Acceptance comes from within when forgiving actions and it requires one to find acceptance within your own beliefs, understanding and experience.  You cannot repeatedly stumble or dwell on a problem and have truly forgiven it.  They just can’t coexist.  To forgive, is to accept and to move on.

There is Always Love in Forgiveness

I can’t write about forgiveness without including love.  Love is the foundation of true forgiveness and must be present.  Love is far more powerful than anger and hatred and is exactly why it enables forgiveness to happen.  Love prevails.  Love endures.

Love when it comes to forgiveness is about the love of others and love of self necessary to bring true acceptance, repentance for wrong doings and even the hope to look only for future intentions.  Self love battles the victimization and can lead a person from shame or pity from a hurtful act to forgive themselves, learn from those actions and use it to serve others and the future.

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 19 Comments »

Cell phones and all other communication devices are becoming so natural in everyone’s lifestyles that they are really an extension of an individual.  While the device may be separate from you, your usage of it is still a direct demonstration of you as a person so it should be considered part of your voice.  How you use it and the etiquette you have with it is a direct indicator of your own manners.

These factors seem obvious to me and they are actually the reasons why I don’t have a cell phone.  I find most cell phone users to be completely unaware of how their usage of their phone portrays their own etiquette.  Sometimes it seems that phone users think they are in their own little world when they use their phone.  Surprise surprise, others can still hear you and your phone when you use it. Because of this, here are some tips to make better use of your phone.

Your Cell Phone Ring

It’s one thing to have a unique ring, but another to have an annoying one.  You really should pick a ring that is unique so you can easily identify your own phone’s ring, but you should never pick one that is annoying. Your ring is not only heard by you, but everyone around you, strangers, your friends, your colleagues and even potential employers.  You should keep it professional and tolerable.

The other thing with you phone’s ringer you should get in the habit of using is the silent mode or vibrate mode.  Spare those around you and put the phone on silent mode so you don’t interrupt them.  After all, no one else cares when your phone rings so why would force them to hear it?  There is nothing more annoying than people who have a cell phone that rings when they leave it on their desk and walk away from it.  If you don’t keep your phone on you all day, you should definitely keep it on silent.  And if you do keep it on you, then there is no reason not to use vibrate mode.

Your Cell Phone Volume

The volume you use on your cell phone isn’t much different than the volume of your own voice in a conversation.  Do you think it’s polite to be yelling in a conversation?  Of course not, nor is it polite to have a cell phone so loud others can hear your conversation.  The same goes for the ringer.  Keep the volume down!

Your Cell Phone Interruptions

This is what bothers me the most from cell phone users.  Taking a call no matter where or what you are doing with no regard to what or who you are interrupting.  When someone is in a conversation, is it polite to instantly interrupt them? Well no, so you shouldn’t let anyone do this in a conversation with your cell phone either.  Put attention and priority to who you are physically with and turn your cell phone off or at least don’t answer it when you are in a conversation.  Let it go to voice mail.  You show great respect to an individual if you let them be your prime focus when in a conversation instead of letting your phone interrupt you.  When you do put attention to your phone interruption, it sends the message to the party you were first talking to in person that your phone call (even before you know who it was) was more important to you and that you’d rather take the call.  Not really a polite thing to do.

Your Cell Phone Distractions

Not only do the call interruptions impact the people you interrupt, but calls also become major distractions to your own productivity and activities.  If you are busy working on something or focusing on a task, phone calls and ringing cell phones just distract you from that.  Most calls are truly not that important and there is always voice mail to answer the call for you so you can then check all your messages together at a later time.  This allows you to stay focused on your tasks at the right time and then batch process your messages on your cell phone when you are ready to.  Eliminating these distractions lets you accomplish more, be more productive and to be more professional in your relationships and manners with your cell phone.

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 27 Comments »

Regular commenter here, Karl of Work Happy Now , posted this article about making friends at work over at Chief Happiness Office. I read both of these blogs and they have a lot of great content to ensure you bring and promote a happy workplace into your life. Karl had some great tips covering ideas to make friends at work despite differing personality types.  Many of the ideas are simple to do and I agree with all the advice he’s outlined.

I think there is much value in making friends at work but also in taking that beyond the workplace and building friendships that last regardless of where you work or if you change jobs.  I know many of my friendships have been made in the workplace and the best of those have lasted years, long after working together.

What Makes a Friendship?

To me, a friendship is a relationship between two people who are both willing to share their time and experiences with each other simply for the sake of doing so. The key word there is “willing”.  Sometimes people do share time with others because of some default role or workplace environment but it doesn’t mean it is a real friendship.  Often it is simply being friendly or even polite in order to work together.  Friendship goes beyond that.

Friendship must involve some level of willingness to share time on it’s own.  No other purpose.  A personal choice with a purpose no other than that of spending time together.  If you have that, you have real friendship.

In the workplace those friendships can be a choice in who you choose to work with, or work the most with.  You make preferences about the people you spent time with at work and you learn quickly to develop a helping attitude where you do choose to help others, be helped or in some other way, spend time together outside of what is simply required to do your job.  Perhaps it is in your break time or lunch break with who you spend time with.  Those breaks or gap from an objective typically means time spent without that work purpose getting in the way.

Make Friendships Last Beyond The Workplace

While there are many friendships that occur in a workplace, all too many of them stay there, in the workplace.  They don’t extend into your personal life and unfortunately they often dwindle away once those people are no longer working together.  Sometimes this happens when people leave companies, but unfortunately it even happens more often, such as when people change departments, roles or even projects.  That common goal was what drew them together and there was nothing to base the connections on beyond that.  So, what can be done to extend a friendship and make it last?

Connect at a Personal Level

A personal connection is extremely powerful.  It lets you immediate draw upon something in each other’s worlds outside the workplace and gives a common ground to know each other at.  If you have personal connections, you can find and share more about your lives together outside the office.  Make an effort to know and show genuine interest in the other person’s life.  This allows you to relate to them in new ways, find similar interests and give topics of discussion that extend beyond the day to day work.

Give Selflessly to the Friendship

This is a given for a friendship in any situation.  If you can truly give without expectations to another person, it is by far the easiest way to make friends with them.  It shows you care about them instead of yourself.  Make an effort to offer your time or help and don’t ever expect anything in return.  This will deepen a friendship so that it can last beyond the workplace.

Connect Outside of the Office

Finally, once you have some connection and have given into a friendship look to extend that once step further.  Connect and build that friendship outside the workplace.  This can be the most powerful of the three here in making the connection last beyond the work as it opens an avenue of communication in your personal lives.  You can start this very simply and it makes connecting after a workplace separation (for whatever means) much more comfortable.  Here are a few things you could use to do this:

• Use each other’s personal email for talking about some non-work related subject.  This might list be sharing of links, videos, pictures or some other simple item, start small.
• Get together for a sports event or other public gathering
• Join or create a sport team together
• Have lunch or dinner (perhaps a BBQ)
• Invite each other’s families to meet and get together
• Ask or offer to help for a personal favor (moving, construction, advice, etc)
• Host a party or event

Virtually anything can be used and I know that making that connection outside the office makes friendships lasting to be far more likely than those build only in the workplace.  Once you have that friendship established, the time may come when you no longer work together and then it will be easy to continue to keep those activities outside of work occurring.  That disconnection from work can even be used as a reason to connect more often outside of work.  I like to get friends together who have worked together in the past or meet for lunch or a drink somewhere ever couple months to stay in touch.  So, I encourage you to take a step and look at the available friendships you have in your workplace and make some effort to step that beyond the workplace to ensure you have a lasting friendship that you can enjoy beyond your current work.  Do it before the opportunity is taken away and then hold onto it!

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 8 Comments »

Questions are a critical piece of any conversation and there is an easy way to use them to build better conversations and depth while communicating.  That method is simply by using more open ended questions.

Open Ended Versus Closed Ended

There are two types of questions that are important to know in order to keep your conversations going and to build more rapport with others in conversation.  They are open ended and closed ended questions.

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Closed ended questions can be answered with a single one or two word response.  They are often a yes or no question and don’t leave much room for elaboration, interpretation or opinion.

Open ended questions on the other hand are questions that cannot be answered with one word responses.  They require some thought and some details to reasonably answer the question.

Build a Conversation

Simple response closed questions don’t leave much room for elaboration or really a full response.  These are often question using phrases like, did you, when, do you want to, will you, have you, etc.  Each of these just need a couple words to answer and they don’t transition well from one topic to another in a conversation.  They leave little room for new ideas and they don’t spark much creativity or imagination which leads to new questions.  That is where open ended questions excel.  They provide much more detail, thoughts, comments and bits of information that can more easily form into new ideas and transitions.  Here are some examples of typical questions in an open format:

• Tell me what you think about that?
• What is it you like about the idea?
• Why would you suggest that?
• How do you plan to achieve that?

Let Others Talk More Than You

Open ended questions also ensure that you give others a chance to talk more than you.  It forces you to listen more in any conversation because you have to wait for a longer response with these questions.  You can still lead a conversation by steering with your questions but at least the open questions will allow room for a more elaborate expanse.

Open questioning is also a great tool to promote creative thought, problem-solving skills, and cognitive growth in others because it forces a person to spend more time contemplating their response instead of just giving a disconnected yes or no response.  The thought needed behind may seem simply but it forces an association pattern that makes a person relate something of meaning that they response with, to the person or conversation.  This inherently builds a stronger bond with, better memory of and definitely a more engaged conversation.

Ask Them to Talk About Themselves

Similarly to simply having someone talk more, having someone talk about themselves, their own thoughts and their feelings on a subject shows that you have some genuine interest in them and care enough to want to take the time to listen.  This is immensely powerful both for seeing how the conversation topics affect that person but also to strengthen that relationship more.  Whether you know the person well, or you are already a close friend or family member, these personal and open ended questions only lead to an even stronger bond with a longer more meaningful conversation at the outset.

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 8 Comments »