This is a chapter title of the book, “Influencer” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. So far, I love the book and how it focuses so much on behavior. The quote at this chapter is what I really wanted to share, which is:

There are three kinds of men, ones that learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

-Will Rogers

I just love this. Its so true in how so many people learn in life. Whether it is business, financing, relationships or even parenting, most people learn by trial without truly observing and learning from others or learning from expert sources like books.

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Life is a complex mess of circumstances, interactions and experiences each unique to every single person on this planet. There are countless things that seem to make a difference in people’s lives and how life is perceived. However, there seems to be just a handful of things that make a big difference on a daily basis with our relationships, career and joy in life. That item is part of one’s attitude and specifically, its about complaining in life. Most everyone does more than their share of complaining and it stems from the societal pressure of constantly wanting more, moving up the career chain, wanting to continually improve everything and simply because people are not generally content with what they have. If you take note and make a conscious effort to eliminate complaining in your own life, you will be much happier.

Why So Many Complaints?

Are you focused on constantly wishing things were different, and complaining about them instead of being focused on seeing and recognizing the things that are positive and going well for you? What about with others, do you complain to them more than thank, appreciate or praise them? Perfectionists and critical thinking people often deliver a lot of complaints and don’t see the good things happening around them every day.

People constantly complain about their jobs, there money or lack thereof, traffic and the weather. The news, its just a long series of more things to complain about and rarely anything to be excited about or thankful for. Life is unfortunately, quite a bombardment of media and people who are complaining about nearly everything!

You can change that for yourself by replacing any complaining with more positive thoughts and comments. Look for the good around you, talk about the positive things about your job, start conversations when the weather and traffic are good, see the things you value on a day to day basis and share that with others, instead of the usual set of complaints.

Change Your Focus

Its easy to change your attitude and start thinking and focusing on the positive things in your life if you look for this every day. Its takes some effort, but just a few changes everyday can make a big impact in your life and make you feel happier. Thinking positive and avoiding the complaints are your choice to make. That choice allows you to be in control of how you feel simply by choosing what you will focus on. You can make yourself happier if you choose to and by practicing consciously over and over to see the good things and to value them instead of complaining, you will train your mind to do the same subconsciously. This will eventually change your natural attitude and you won’t even have to work on this anymore, it will just happen. And you will be happier.

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Steven Covey sparked my interest long ago talking about the laws of leadership and specifically about the law of reciprocity. The dictionary definition of reciprocity is:

A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade.

That exchange of favors that seems so natural with benefits for both parties is also, unfortunately, what gets in people’s way before reciprocity ever occurs. People get caught up in looking for the immediate benefit to themselves in many situations and don’t initiate that generous first step of offering their own help or service first. They also often expect a favor in return or feel that they owe someone who has done good to them. This selfish thinking or score keeping often stops a good deed from being done in the first place, which over time limits the good deeds returned. Its a cascade effect and emphasizes cinical thinking and just reinforces the selfish attitude and solitude for an individual.

The law of reciprocity is NOT a law that can be measured in any instance of time or even between the same parties involved for the give and take. It works across ones whole life and so the payback or benefit can’t be recognized by looking at any scorecard with an individual or even in a specific relationship. Its a balance beyond any single measure, any single relationship and even beyond the time you serve here on earth (Romans 2:6 – He will reward each one according to his works)

Instead, what needs to occur is simple generosity. Be willing to offer help, give that time, pay for lunch, make that apology first, share some vulnerable personal story, step out of your comfort zone, make a step in faith, be brave, be first and be generous. Do this without keeping score, offer it every chance you get. Put the effort into your relationships without expectation! Everything about doing this changes your attitude, increases your outlook and joy in life and is eventually paid back, if not immediately, later in life and even in eternity. Every personal connection you develop is another opportunity in your life, both with business colleagues, friendships and family. A generous mind will graciously give AND accept offerings of help, money, service and advice. And these will come to you more naturally, and at the time of need for yourself or others.

Posted by Mike King under Relationships | 4 Comments »

I have to say that after spending a few days down in Texas with some generally “rough” (in my eyes) oil and gas work crews, I must say it certainly makes me appreciate the relationships I do have with my wife, family, friends, church and co-workers a whole lot more. Its a very different environment where people come and go quickly and base most of their work on ‘looking out for themselves’, instead of caring or ever helping each other out.

I’m much more used to being around caring people who respect each other, care for each other’s feelings and generally are very helpful and thoughtful towards each other. Its easy to become accustomed to these great things and loose the appreciation for them until they seem to disappear (even if for a short time). Its made me realize how important and wonderful these things that occur everyday really are and how we often neglect them and forget how lucky we are. I think its important to recognize and show some appreciation for those relationships so this is just my reminder to you so that you might think about those people without having to first get into a situation where the great relationship traits are lacking before you realize it.

Here’s to my wife for unquestionable love, family for support, friends for caring and sharing, church for inspiration and joy, colleagues for honest and true teamwork, and especially to Jesus, for grace and forgiveness in every moment and situation I’ve EVER been in. Thank you.

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I was looking up a few sites to put this article together and I was simply amazed at how many bad suggestions there are and different ideas about delivering a good apology. Many of them hint at power trips, and relationship building, and needing to consider if you are sorry or not, and yadda yadda. A lot of considerations listed for something that really should be very simple. If you have a regret about something you did, then an apology is due. It’s as simple as that!

How Do You Know If You Should Apologize?

It doesn’t matter if you’ve waited ‘too long’ to apologize (there is no such think), or if you think you have a reason to defend yourself or even if anyone else made the situation worse; if you did something you regret, then you should deliver an apology. Not giving an apology doesn’t dissolve the fact of what you did. It doesn’t separate you from your actions either. If you affected someone, they already know it and that’s all that matters, not if you intended to hurt them or not. The fact is, you did, so apologize.

Delivering the Apology

An apology should be simple, and from the heart. You should never give rationales, reasons or excuses about why you did something. Don’t include the feelings or perceptions of the other person in your apology. Don’t use ‘if’ and ‘you’ when delivering the apology. This deflects the apology right back to the person’s perception or feelings instead of stating any regret about what has already happened. It means nothing. An example of this might be, “I’m sorry if you feel I was being too hard on you…”. This doesn’t accept any responsibility for what happened and makes it sound like it is the receiving person’s problem and this will generally make the situation worse with no acceptance from that person.

Instead, just state that you are sorry, explain that you regret what you did and you know that it was your fault. Accept the responsibility and the apology will have some meaning. You can elaborate on what you will do to avoid this in the future or simply leave it short and sweet. Stay serious, have the conversation face to face (no emails, notes, or other written apologies) or at least on the phone and be sincere!

Apologies don’t need to be as hard as most people make them. They don’t expose a weakness like most people believe, instead they show that you are understanding and focused on the relationship with that person and courageous enough to admit when you’ve made a mistake. I’m sure there are a few actions you regret, so take some time and deliver a heartfelt meaningful apology. You’ll feel great about it (not to mention how great the receiver will feel) and you’ll strengthen those relationships. It doesn’t matter if they accept the apology or not, and even if you know they will still hold a grudge, don’t let that hold you back.

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Apology Referenced from Dictionary.com
a·pol·o·gy (ə-pŏl’ə-jē)
noun. plural. a·pol·o·gies
An acknowledgment expressing regret or asking pardon for a fault or offense

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Why is it that so many of us simply believe that we can accomplish everything on our own? There are about 7 billion people on this earth, yet we each suffer in our problems and create a sheltered life that we have this burning desire to solve ourselves. After all, asking for help just shows that we must not be able to handle our own situation. We must be weak, incapable or worse, simply reliant on others to get things done. Society, especially in North America, has technologies, services and every other media available bombarding us with devices and techniques for us each to manage our own lives better and to get more done on our own. This is crazy! It just pulls people further and further apart, leaves people highly dissatisfied with their lives and makes a bunch of heroes and silos in amongst your small circle of friends and colleagues. Here is alternative to what seems to contradict everything everyone strives for.

Yup, let people know what they can help you with and simply, ask. Tell them why you need their help and why you are asking them specifically. Give them some reasons and opportunities to help and you will find that you will soon start deepening your relationships with your spouse, friends, family and God. This also opens doors for others to ask for favors and for help in return, which is certainly a good thing since you can be more involved in other’s lives.

Problem today is that people simply don’t like to ask for help. Especially the youngest generations as they have grown up with every possible invention and device to make them self sufficient. Its amazing how many relationships are stifled and stay at a superficial and shallow level simply because people are so unwilling to expose any kind of vulnerability in asking for help. Its not easy nor comfortable to expose oneself but its important to let others see where you need their help and allow them to provide it whenever they can. Doing this requires great courage and sacrifices some of your ego. It also quickly builds a relationship based on trust, a fundamental principal hugely lacking in this busy business word of personal drive for “success”. Patrick Lencioni demonstrates this well in his Five Dysfunctions of a Team book and Carnegie in his classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People“.

So, to get started asking others for help you might want to consider asking others if they know of anything they think they could help you with. Find out about other’s interests and ask for help in areas that they are better than you at. Whether that is some soft skill, hobby, past time or anything really. If you learn about a person’s passion and their interest areas, those are the easiest places to get help for when you ask. Its surprising how willing most people are to help and don’t since they are never asked or afraid to offer.

Do you ever ask for help and if so, how do you go about asking?

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