Don’t Judge Others, Be Helpful Instead!
Relationships May 21st, 2008 Unfortunately, we all do it. We judge others. Their actions, choices, behaviors, relationships, likes and dislikes and even their personalities. We’ve all been conditioned to judge and be critical of things around us (some of us more than others) and while this can be useful to look at ways to improve things by seeing what we do not like, it more often leads us to hurtful comments, disconnected relationships and various negative feelings. No one really likes to be judged and so eliminating this from your own actions will improve your life and relationships!
Don’t Judge Others
This is obviously easier said than done. It is possible to stop though with some practice, attention and a desire to eliminate it. The first step in not judging others is to simply stop voicing it. This is usually the hurtful part and if you can learn to keep judging comments to yourself, you can quickly eliminate any hurt you are causing to others directly. These might be anything from obvious verbal attacks, sarcasm, snide jokes about someone, gossip or subtle judgments like saying “I know”, or using the “but” word after agreeing with something. Stop saying and doing these things and you will no longer be judging others on the surface at least! The old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything!” is a perfect thing to apply here.
Taking this to the next step, however, is important because having a judging mindset still leaves that negativity built up inside you. What’s needed is to learn to see the good side or opportunity side of any situation that you would have normally judged by instinct.
Make Yourself Helpful Instead
I don’t think anyone will ever completely eliminate judging others in their minds but it is possible to change how your response, by making it helpful, instead of a problem for someone or yourself. Ask yourself questions about the situation so you can learn something from it or help that person out. David Zinger had a great article on Slacker Manager getting questions from his readers about the most powerful questions you can ask . My comment was to ask, “How can I respond in a way that’s useful to others?”. Use this for any judgment situation and you can easily turn around a negative thought or comment into something useful. Offering some help or assistance to someone in an area they are not excelling at, will be far more useful than telling them how poorly they are doing or by telling them how wrong they are. Look for ways to change the situation for the better. Wouldn’t you prefer an offer of help over an insult in an area you have not mastered?
As you look at people and situations with a helpful attitude, you will shift from judging them directly as a person to seeing (perhaps still judging) their actions . You won’t attack them as a person or their character and you can more comfortably look at ways to help them. Some advise or feedback about what they can improve on instead of accusing them of being or feeling a certainly way is definitely more useful and it will allow them be more open and receptive to whatever help you have to offer. The opportunities for this come daily with nearly every interaction you have with people, so make an effort and look for actions instead of wrongly assuming its a personality and look for ways to offer help instead of criticism.
Prev: Why Worrying Gets You Nowhere … (Guest post on The Positivity Blog)
Next: Sharing Vulnerabilities Builds Trust
May 21st, 2008 at 8:57 AM
I agree that taking the attitude of helpfulness can reduce our tendency towards judgement. Usually judgement comes from our incessent comparison to others and competition with others. When we take the attitude of helping, this eliminates the us versus them mentality. Another thing we might think about is approaching others with the attitude that we may be helpful by them. If we think that we can learn from even those we disagree with, it helps us avoid those negative emotions.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:10 AM
Excellent point Chris, looking at what we can learn from them even if we don’t have any help to offer ourselves, is a great way to avoid that judgmental attitude. Thanks for the comment!
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:46 PM
Very true indeed. I suppose for some of us, we “stamp” people in our mind. Its something that’s very difficult to get over once it becomes a habit.
Great tips! Thanks
July 13th, 2008 at 5:58 AM
“Don’t Judge others” is my personal favorite phrase… THis is really the most negative behavior we have.
Thanks Mike to share with us.
February 8th, 2009 at 11:42 PM
Judging others actions and words is required of God to His people . God has commanded us to Judge false prophets, teachers, Ministers and to Judge righteous Judgments , which means to Judge according to His precepts .we judge each day we rise up and start our day. we judge when we arrive at work. and we judge when we are traveling to and from our Homes , and let me also reminfd you as parents we judge what our children do and who they are with daily . why do you teach people not to Judge others ? do you want all of us to be in condemnation before God ? or are you concerned of offending another ?
February 9th, 2009 at 8:21 PM
william, judgment is something that God has told us to do only when we can do so with a righteous judgment on ourselves first. There is plenty of content written about God’s teachings on judgments and they all need to be taken in context, the same as my article here. Before arguing one side or the other, why not consider what I am talking about with judgments in this context. It’s about helping others to make progress and go forward, to become better at things and a better person, instead of just criticizing them with no guidance or explanation. If you help them instead, you will indeed lead more people from the condemnation before God (as you put it).
January 24th, 2012 at 12:32 AM
good one…I like it…will start implementing
October 11th, 2012 at 12:49 AM
I agree!
And i love to meet people with this kind of mentallity. Those who has something in mind about someone are those who really love to judge others. And when this happens, sincerity in a friendship will never be achieved. Easier said, one who friend with someone because of his/her qualities.. Not simcerity n sense of helping others.
I love your post.:)
March 9th, 2014 at 2:48 AM
Good job. Thanks. Regards from turkey.
June 5th, 2014 at 7:52 AM
well done , i totally agree