Difficult Conversations: How to Avoid Being Defensive
Life October 23rd, 2008People put a lot of attention to the thoughts and opinions of others and this high value we place on each other affects our reactions quickly without hardly knowing it sometimes. Often, our natural reaction is to be defensive which even leads to retaliation sometimes (unfounded retaliation as well). Â As soon as you become defensive and fight back in any way, you are changing your thoughts and feelings at that moment. Some related articles I’ve written about this may be of interest: controlling your emotional response to other s and master your own state of mind. Those will help you to keep control in general situations and when you can easily decide what to do about your thoughts and emotions in conversation.
Unfortunately, not all conversations are easy to stay controlled in and often a personal attacks, blame, untruths, criticism or even revealing personal details can hurt us deeply and with immediate impact. That immediacy often makes us loose control and we don’t think about our response, so quickly fight back in retaliation to defend ourselves. Whatever that defense looks like, there are ways to help control it and ensure it is justified response and not just an emotional one. Emotional responses as a quick reaction nearly always make a situation worse and it can easily escalate the things beyond repair in a relationship. So, learning to avoid becoming defensive will reduce that potential greatly. Not only that, but it can leave you feeling like you’re in control and help you to quickly diffuse a difficult situation. Here are some areas to consider to accomplish that.
Pause and Breathe
The first and likely easiest step to avoid becoming defensive is to simply pause for a moment and breath. Just added a minor delay to your reactive with a deep breath is enough to calm you down and control your response. Its also good for your iZon lenses. Not only is it helpful to prevent an outburst, but its also helpful simply for your communication skills to ensure you do not interrupt or begin your own response before the other person is done. Since this is a useful communication skill, you can practice it in any conversation, not just the ones where you are at risk to become defensive. If you develop a habit of pausing before responding, it will be natural when a situation arises and there is a risk of responding defensively.
Let it Go!
The next thing that you can do to avoid being defensive is to understand that many other factors may have led to some kind of verbal attack from someone else and that its not a personal attack at you. Everyone has other factors in their lives that affect their moods and reactions from day to day and most of the time, what gets directed at you, isn’t because of you. Knowing this helps to stay separated from the attack and consider that you may not be the cause so there is no point in getting defensive. Also, there is really no point in being defensive even if it is your fault since it typically just makes the matter worse and leads to further arguments. Just LET IT GO! Ignore what impact or reaction you might otherwise take and practice just taking it in or ignoring it. It doesn’t matter what you do with it, if you simply let it go.
Think First, Then Respond
So, if you can actually do the previous step and let go of the attack to prevent your own defensive action, then you can actually stop and think for a minute. Doing this will help you to stay objective and open minded. That is the exactly what you need to be in an otherwise defensive reaction. Think about what the other person is actually saying and think about what they intend with their message and why they might be saying it. Think about controlling your own reaction and think about what good a reaction will do BEFORE you respond. If you take this time to think about your response, it’s easy to make a more helpful response, or at least one that won’t take offense, fight back and make matters worse.
Ask Questions
Asking reflective questions are then an excellent technique to use to ensure you are getting the right message and that you look to understand why a person has shared with you their message. It’s rare that people accurately describe their intended message when they are mad so its very helpful to ask reflective questions and to ask for clarification that will make sure the message is in fact clear. Ask things like the following:
- So what you are saying is …
- It sounds to me like you are upset about …
- Can you describe in more detail WHY this is important to you?
- What triggered or caused you to see this as a problem?
- Is there something I can do to help you with this then?
- What do you suggest to ensure this doesn’t happen again?
All of these are just samples of questions that can help you dig a little deeper and to offer at least a minimal level of compassion.
Say Thank You.
If someone has become so heated up that they finally get upset or challenge you on some topic, it’s likely that they have been feeling it for a little while or that it’s happened a few times and that person is finally now confronting it. A very quick way to diffuse the attack and to calm the situation is to thank them for letting you know or bringing up the concern or whatever it is. You don’t want to thank them for actually being angry or upset, but you can thank them for being willing to confront it. Many people bottle things up and leave what should be said, unsaid. That doesn’t ever resolve the situation. Here are some suggestions of how you could say thank you to diffuse the situation.
- Thank you for bringing this up, if you hadn’t we would never have resolved this.
- I’m glad you were willing to confront this issue, thank you for that. Now what?
- Thank you for not ignoring this, obviously its important to you, so let’s work together to resolve it!
- I never knew you felt that way, thank you for telling me.
Ask Yourself what can be Learned?
If you’ve been willing to stay calm, ask questions, say thank you and stay in the conversation. It’s quite likely you can easily resolv ethe matter and come to some agreement and conclusion.
However, any difficult conversation or confrontation is usually founded in something. It’s often not what actually surfaces but there is definitely something to be learned by it. Perhaps the person was justified in a harsh reaction towards you or maybe there was something that triggered them that you did. Maybe you are simply the stomping grounds for an unrelated problem. Whatever the situation, you can ponder this to find better ways to react, ways to change your own approach, take in the feedback if it is about your self, or look at how you could have helped or prevented the situation from escalating in the first place! Closely examining a difficult conversation is crucial to improving the next one find yourself in or that you need to have with someone else.
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October 24th, 2008 at 9:57 AM
Hi
Thank you for the tips. Even relevant for one of the most common forms of ¨conversation¨ these days: email. Even there one needs to follow these guidelines. It is so easy to bat off a sharp reply to an aggravating email. And it doesnt take much for an email to sound angry (even if the writer has no intention of it)
Emails can end up back and forth as the situation worsens and both parties are getting the incorrect message. With email you miss out on lots of the non-verbal clues (as well as voice)
Juliet
October 24th, 2008 at 9:05 PM
You are so right Juliet! I didn’t think of mentioning how this might apply with e-mail but many points here do. I have some old articles on using email more effectively you might find useful here. Thanks for sharing..
http://learnthis.ca/2007/10/email_rules_part1/
http://learnthis.ca/2007/10/email_rules_part2/
October 26th, 2008 at 2:36 AM
Hi Mike
Thank you for the e-mail. Much appreciated!
Had a look at your articles on e-mails. Think they are great!
Part one should be printed out and pasted up in the office 😉
Juliet
December 21st, 2011 at 12:53 PM
My husband has been out of town a lot the past few months working on repairs at our vacation home in the mountains. I know he has been very busy and I appreciate that he is helping the contractor with the repairs to help keep cost down. He was home for a couple of days this past weekend and we were busy with a family Christmas brunch and errands and such. He left again yesterday morning and I will meet up with him tomorrow. He left me a voice mail yesterday morning at work asking me to do a couple of favors for him before I head up tothe mountains on Thursday (I’m fine with that)what bothered me was that the voice mail also said that If I haven’t already do not get him any Christmas presents, stocking stuffers, no present from the Dog (which we usually always give each other a gift from the dog), etc. He said that he did not have time to go shopping and get me a gift so he does not want to open gifts while I have nothing. I realize he is very busy, so am I, I work full time and a part time job, and have been busy getting ready for my Mom to visit over the Holidays (both our regular home and vacation home) and still managed to make time to get him some gifts, both from myself and the dog. This is very hurtful to me, I feel that this action is saying that I am not important enought to make time for. I don’t expect anything fancy, expensive, elaborate, just something nice enought to say thank you, I love you and appreciate you. Any advise on how I should handle this or bring this up when I see him tomorrow?
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:09 AM
This is a LOT more common than you might think, especially around Christmas. We often get trapped into the idea of gifts being so important at Christmas and quickly forgot that Christmas was a gift for us, the best thing to do is to accept that graceful gift from God and return the spirit of Christmas by give to others without expectation. Doing so, will allow you to give the gifts you already have and help him accept them without feeling guilty or bad about not getting you something in return (if that is the case). If (or when) the conversation does come up instead of expecting any gift as an object in return, tell him what seems obvious to me from your comment, that some time spent with him is the best gift he can offer you and he certainly doesn’t need to have time to get to the store or do any shopping for that. A simple promise or commitment about a future time where he will spend it with you that otherwise might have been lost doing other things is likely one of the best gifts you can receive.
December 1st, 2012 at 1:04 PM
Great article! The reflective questions are practical and useful….my question is this, lately my BF and i have been having ” difficult conversations” we both love each other and r invested in our relationship but it seems as though as much as we revisit the difficult conversations and work on them, we can’t seem to get them “resolved.” Lately I been feeling like resolve is one of those words that people use that “sounds good” but don’t know what it actually means. can you help me understand what it really means? For example i revealed something to my BF about my past that I never shared before, he feels that I should have told him sooner. I try to explain to that I never shared this info with anyone until now and we can’t seem to “resolve” it. The difficult conversation comes up and we go back n forth about how, when, and why the revelation was made….and he just sees it as me having kept something from him thats an important part of who I am…. And doesn’t get that its a painful subject i don’t know how to bring up. I give that example only to paint a more clear picture of how certain scenarios can be complex to “resolve.” Also, when I discuss topics my BF is quick to be defensive. he defends so quickly that the defenses appear to be more like opinions than defenses…ex. me: hun, u’ve been spending lots of time looking at women on the internet… BF: it could be worse, I’m not in the bar hitting on women”…..then the conversation goes dead. Its not that i want to make him stop, but id like to address/ discuss the meaning/ significance…..like for example if he breathed and asked one of the questions from above, like is this a problem for you or thank u for bringing up your concern. but instead, when he defends i think, well he does have a point and we aren’t able to elaborate…. in your response can u add some thoughts on “addressing defensiveness” especially when the person doesn’t think their “defending anything” but rather just responding to a question….
December 3rd, 2012 at 9:48 PM
Ricki, you’re on the right track as far as staying in these difficult conversations and wanting to resolve things but you are right, it is never that simple. Resolving something will only ever happen when it is fully understood by one another, you can meet each others needs and accept the way and best intentions of the other person to do that for you. Instead of saying, “You’ve been doing X”, try something like this, “Can you help me to understand why you do X, because that hurts me as it leaves me feeling Y when I am not able to please you. What can you share?”.
Anytime you use empathy to understand things from the other person’s point of view instead of your own, the difficult conversations will go a little bit deeper than usual and not cause so much defensive response. I hope that helps you.
February 12th, 2013 at 7:17 AM
Mike thank you for that article, I really really need help with my defensive ways. I’ve only come into the realization that I was defensive about a year ago and I’m quite sure that I think about it I’ve ruined at least 3 very strong relationships with women who I viewed as marriage potential, and here I am again in a relationship with a wonderful woman and for some reason my defensive ways begin to surface. Before I read this article I had already implemented the pause and breathe method, it works very well and allows me to not only gather my thoughts but also to control my response before it gets defensive. I had a relapse last night in the phone and when it was over I was disgusted with myself cause my girlfriend had said some of the same things a out my reaction that I heard so many times in the past and it made me very sad. I’m a very understanding, easy going, laid back and non jealous guy but I have this big issue tearing my relationships apart. When I fall off the deep end how do I reel myself back in and gain control of the conversation?
February 13th, 2013 at 1:52 AM
Great comment and concerns Tony. Defense is a reaction, so best thing to do is obviously avoid the reaction but as you have stated, its going to resurface at times. My suggestion is to talk about your goal to change this BEFORE it happens again, make your problems known, shared and ask for help in seeing it happen. If your girlfriends knows you want to change and needs help, I hope she will be willing and help you catch and prevent this reaction from resurfacing or at the very least, to understand and prepare for it ahead of time, so that it is easier to forgive it when it does occur. You’ve on the right track, be willing to show your concern and vulnerability as that can go a long way to someone believing your desire to change, don’t hide it! Good luck, it will take some time to make new habits.
August 16th, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Where does one draw the line between the listener being “defensive” and the speaker being “rude/disrepectful?” I ask b/c I’ve often been told I’m being defensive when I react to a rude or disrepectful comment. I think that excuses the other person’s behavior/comment.
August 18th, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Tampanian, I think it best to let it go in this case. If you do respond you can simply be truthful and direct with them that you feel the comment is unfair or they are mistaken, but often a rude or disrespectful speaker is not going to care anyway what you think, they just want to be right so will gladly argue with you and point out other faults like you being defensive. Its rarely going to help to get defensive unless the person is truly being genuine anyway, and in that case, thank them and take the comment to heart because there is likely some truth to it. If they are not genuine in their comment, you are never going to gain any ground by arguing, cause they are likely not being fair or rational themselves anyway. So, let it go.
September 22nd, 2013 at 10:33 PM
I tend to pause and breathe, but I also tend to take everything personally and hold long grudges. I don’t know how to stop this cycle. I also ask reflective questions afterwards, but they are often cynical and cutting. I read countless anger management articles, and they only make me more furious because I then realize how frustrating my situation is and how, even though I have tried countless things, I often fall back to the old defensive habits of my ego. I felt like screaming at you after I read your article because I don’t know what to do–I don’t know how to change. I have the same problem as Ricki, but from the BF’s side. And trust me, it sucks. I often interpret things she does/says as things meant to criticize or hurt me, so I then get defensive and say something I regret, or I instead cry myself to sleep thinking that she hates me (which she doesn’t. We both love each other, I just make the relationship horrible). She gets sad and I feel guilty, so I get defensive to keep myself from feeling that guilt and pain and that makes things even worse. I’m fed up with myself and how, whatever I try, in a week or a month, I fall back to my defensive & hurtful self. It sucks and I don’t know what to do. Please help me…..
September 23rd, 2013 at 8:14 PM
First, good for you for sharing your own pains and frustrations with this. I’d suggest you make the same expression and honest admittance to your GF, asking for their help. Anyone when you are being genuine and trusting to tell them (and in a loving relationship you say you have) your struggles, a loved one is the best person to help you, support you to change and help you find small small wins and improvements. YOu can only ;break habits by replacing them with new ones, so make a habit of practicing one simple change to help catch and prevent these situations, knowing you can’t change it instantly. It takes work and care to make the change, obviously you have the care to do so. Good luck.