Breaking Bad Communication Habits
Relationships August 31st, 2009Communication is an area that we can forever improve on and its an important area for anyone interested in personal development. With my recent discovery about Appreciative Inquiry and looking more carefully at how to employ a new method of communication, I’ve realized there is much we do in communication that is based on habits. These habits are often harmful and promote bad communication styles. Most of us are trained to be advocates in our communication, that is one who argues there case, pushes what they want and seeks to find approval of that communicated message and to find followers doing so (Oh ohhh…, that might include a few bloggers then as well!).
The One Communication Mistake We All Make
There is one mistake everyone makes from time to time in the way they communicate. This is when we send our message instead of communicating in a way that ensures our message is in fact received. This happens when we are impatient or not considering the other person’s perspective and we simply think that making our voice heard and our message sent is in fact communicating. Well, it is not. Communication is all about how you actually deliver your message and so you cannot simply send your message without knowing it is actually received.
Don’t make the mistake of sending your message simply to get your ideas out without regard for others. Keep your ego at bay when you want to be heard and consider whether it is an appropriate time for the receiver as well as you to communicate. Remember, if they are not going to hear it, then it isn’t worth saying.
Getting Past Being Right
The next mistake often made in communication is that of having to be right. Many of us just love to be right and it is a conversation and healthy communication killer. If you do not stop to listen to other perspectives and accept new ideas in the way you communicate, this having to be right habit will surface often and it a tough problem to break. Trust me, I know from experience. I can’t say I’ve broken this habit myself but its something I’m much more aware of and I do notice it and stop myself often. If you simply state that you disagree AFTER listening to another person’s angle and actually ensuring you understand it, you can still debate things in conversation but if you have a habit of telling someone else how they are wrong, you can immediate kill the conversation.
Criticism
Criticism for some people is very easy and its often the first thing on your mind when you hear other people’s ideas. I think this is closely related to the bad habit of having to be right and this one comes more subtle but even more dangerous because often it isn’t even founded in anything. Being critical and voicing it often comes very easy to most. Its a way to express creative ideas but unfortunately, when it is delivered as critism, it is often a power trip for a creative mind to show their creative powers over another’s idea.
All three of these bad communication habits lead to adversarial communications and they can harm your relationships with other people. Be aware of these in your conversations and look to eliminate these bad habits by replacing them with good communication habits. Listen more than you speak, try to actually understand what others are telling you before debating it and don’t tell them they are wrong or make generalizations about people with words like always and never. Keep your criticism at bay and do your best to keep conversations going by showing interest in others, inquiring more about what they want to talk about and by staying open minded of other’s ideas. These steps will help you practise good communication techniques and can lead you away from the bad habits that bring upon adversarial communication.
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Mike King
August 31st, 2009 at 6:18 AM
Great post, Mike! The funny thing is some people may read this and automatically think of another person in their lives besides themselves who has poor communication skills. In fact, we all need to work on communication (as you’ve stated) no matter how good we think we are at it. That is, if the current state of the world is any indication.
August 31st, 2009 at 9:10 AM
I also like Steven Covey’s habit of Synergy: we have to listen deeply, without defensiveness, to where the other person is really coming from. And, in my experience, most communication breakdowns in relationships come from unclear expectations on both sides. These need to be continuously clarified, so that it can be determined whether those expectations are realistic.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:20 AM
Hi Mike.
That one communication mistake sure is a common issue. People sometimes want to impress their point on others regardless of any external circumstances or the way the other person feels at the time. It is a huge waste because the other person then ignores the message, and it also makes you look bad for lack of consideration. A higher ratio of communicated messages to received messages is what we should continue to work toward.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:33 PM
Mike,
Thanks for the reminder on what to look out for in conversation. I still slip up sometimes, even after knowing this and practising non-adversarial communication for years.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:26 PM
These are common communication pitfall yet many are not aware of this. Communication is always a two-way interaction, not a self-centered expression of one’s self. 🙂
August 31st, 2009 at 11:12 PM
@Valerie – So true, we all look at others and compare before we look at ourselves. Communication is typical for that since most people wonder why the other person doesn’t understand them instead why they can’t communicate in a way others understand them.
@Steve – Communication is ALWAYS about both sides, the important fact we so often forget. Thanks for clarifying that point.
@Armen – good point that we strive for a higher ratio since not everything is in our control for communication, we can’t ensure all messages are communicated, but we can do our best to help that happen more often than not.
@Daphne – Don’t we all, don’t we all. I like how Armen put it in his comment above, its about rising the ratio of good delivered communication.
@Walter – Common and still occurring all around us every day! WOW…. Thanks for the comment and for stopping by!
September 1st, 2009 at 2:58 AM
@Mike King– I would like to say thanks to you for make my social life better than before. I usually read all your post and try to implement your tips in my life. thanks again.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:59 AM
Yes really everything must be under control our communication skills as well.Our relationship is the result of our messages to higher ratio.It seems to us that we send info to John and Kitty.Foggetting about the Lord.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:11 PM
Mike, I appreciate your article and your comments. Please tell me more about “Lear This.”
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:46 AM
Hi Mike
If I can add another common bad habit … and that’s believing that communication is only about getting my message across.
You touched on this in the first point, and Steve mentioned it as well, and I’d go further and say that in my experience people are much better at expressing themselves than they are at listening. And isn’t listening at least 50% of communication?
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 PM
Awesome post, and thanks Mike! Please hire Yourself out as a Women whisperer…
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:41 PM
Mike, these are great suggestions. When communicating it is so very important to really listen. The hard part of listening is when we think we know what the other person means. It’s so easy to say, “I know exactly what you mean,” when in fact we don’t have a clue. Do you know what I mean? (see)
September 4th, 2009 at 2:22 PM
@CK Reyes. I’m not sure I understand you actually. Tell me more! 🙂
October 5th, 2009 at 3:15 PM
I also like Steven Covey’s habit of Synergy: we have to listen deeply, without defensiveness, to where the other person is really coming from. And, in my experience, most communication breakdowns in relationships come from unclear expectations on both sides. These need to be continuously clarified, so that it can be determined whether those expectations are realistic.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:28 PM
You are touching upon great subject here. To ensure succesful comunication it is tremendously important to perceive things from the other’s side perspective. Communication between man and woman can be however a subject that needs much more space for consideration.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:23 AM
I had to be the bigger person this year when I was in a stalemate with my brother in law, I was encouraged (not forced) to appologise for something he did so communication could start flowing again. Yes I was the bigger person but he didn’t get the lesson, and is still ruining rampshot over people. I understand he is stressed but that is no reason to Ingeborg people or let them just walk all over you.
December 5th, 2009 at 5:37 PM
[…] Breaking Bad Communication Habits (LearnThis.ca) […]
December 5th, 2009 at 8:00 PM
Wow, I might need to save this. Would it be okay to send this to some of my co-workers you think to drop them a hit. Or maybe I should just read it over myself to learn how to communicate better? Which do you think it is?
December 5th, 2009 at 11:48 PM
@cashbackcard,
Thanks for your recent comments. I wouldn’t advice dropping articles (helpful or not) unsolicited to people. Demonstrate the communication techniques yourself and let them experience through example a better way to respond and then offer help if the opportunity comes up. As with anything for personal development, I always suggest to do it and learn it yourself before hoping to help someone else with something similar.
December 7th, 2009 at 8:14 AM
I practice Steven Covey’s Habit on “seeking first to understand, then be understood.”
October 12th, 2010 at 7:24 AM
Some stands of yours are far from my own, but overall, good written text.
May 19th, 2013 at 10:04 PM
In my interactions I am aware that can only speak from my own understanding, so everything I say is a description of me. When interacting with others what seems to be going on is, I am describing myself, they are describing themselves, and eventually we find an area or idea that we share (common ground. That common ground allows to begin to communicate. As we grow that common ground it allows for more and more information to pass between us, which in turn expands our common understanding. This creates a third entity (so to speak). We would have started with my understanding, and their understanding, but now share our understanding (this by the way is how I see society coming about as well).
If we understand that anything someone says is a description of themselves, then insults do not exist, there is no reason to be offended (because nothing anyone else says has any association to me). The only association to me would be one of my own choosing, so if I were to be offended, that offense is coming from me and is actually information for me to better understand myself. So any conversation I have with anyone else is an opportunity to expand my understanding of myself, through my associations to their description of themselves.
May 23rd, 2013 at 8:25 PM
Ahhh, OK. I dont think I have any idea of what you are really saying here. Perhaps I just don’t understand myself to know what I am actually depicting in that comment though?? I guess I always thought communication might actually stem from other sources and goals as well, not just my own associated depictions of myself. Deep? Perhaps. Confusing? Definitely. Thanks for your thoughts on the matter.