How to Free Yourself From Gossip
Relationships December 21st, 2009The Dangers of Gossip
Gossip is one of the most common problems in the workplace as well as in relationships. The biggest problem with it is that most people don’t even realize when a discussing takes a turn towards gossip and even worse is that they don’t realize the impact of gossip. Well gossip is a relationship killer and it happens much more frequently than you might want to believe. Gossip is basically anything that could be seen as a negative spoken about one person to another when they are not there to hear it first hand. It could be something very simple with zero intent to harm them and it could be as harsh as an intentional slander of someone’s character.
There is nothing good about gossip and it usually hurts the person under gossip and the people involved in sharing the gossip. There are risks in having the person find out about a person sharing gossip (gossips) as well as the pain and hurt to that person of whatever negative information is spread. There are many additional dangers of gossip:
- stress to those involved
- hurt feelings
- destroys teamwork
- destroys the desire for people to share any meaningful vulnerabilities
- prevents communication that requires trust by encouraging people to keep their mouth shut
- creates undeserved reputations
Your Own Choices Around Gossip
All of these dangers should be enough to convince anyone to avoid gossip, unfortunately, they are not. Gossip is temping and often encouraged by the behaviors of people. Gossips welcome all new gossip and they often turn those who don’t participate in their gossip into their own victims of new gossip. Its often easier to participate than to risk becoming a victim and for many there is also an attraction (for a multitude of reason) to participate for their own reasons. Gossip is selfish and usually malicious in that it downplays or attacks someone else (whether subtle or obvious) to make the gossips look better in comparison. This is exactly why its so destructive because it destroys so much in oneself, let alone the victims of gossip. It destroys your character and puts you into a position where you can’t be trusted. The power that gossip gives is very temporary and usually short sided which ends up coming back negatively to the gossips. The most common of these methods is when gossip turns around and the people involved in gossip then become victims of gossip themselves, often within the same group destroying any bonds the gossip might be falsely or temporarily created anyway. Other consequences of gossip are getting caught, building mistrust, false relationships, spreading untrue rumors and many hurt feelings and people left in the wake of gossip.
The great thing about gossip is that it really is very easy to free yourself from it if you can chose to avoid it and learn a few techniques to help identify it, handle it and stay clear of the problems caused by it. So how is that done?
Identify Gossip
Many times gossip is quite obvious and undisguised. It could be as simple as people asking questions about what you heard or know or thought about someone else or their actions. It could sound like the following:
- Did you hear what Frank said to Sally?
- You wouldn’t believe what I heard John did this weekend?
- I heard that Gerry…
- Did you see Lisa’s new boyfriend?
All these do not necessarily lead to negative gossip but they are obvious conversations about other people and should be very easy to identify in a conversation or start of one. Not all gossip is as easy to recognize as this, unfortunately, and sometimes it is much more disguised. It might even happen when talking with a friend or colleague when the conversation started about simple facts or positives about someone else and shifted to negatives or problems about that person. If you are not talking about how to help that person, support them to resolve their problems or some other positive action when discussing others, its quite likely its turning into gossip. Basically, if you are talking about someone else, you need to really stop and think if you are doing it to help them or not. If your not, its gossip and there is no need for it.
Influencing Gossip
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21
Since gossip is so powerful it has a great influence on others and so it must be battled through positive influence in response. There are a number of actions you can take against gossip.
Ignore it:
- Avoid people who talk gossip and don’t give any opportunities for them to spread it
- Simply leave the room or conversation when gossip starts
- Don’t respond to questions about opinions on others or other gossip traps
- Ignore gossip and don’t engage in any gossip based conversations
Prevent it:
- Never start any of your own gossip
- Change the topic whenever a conversation leads to gossip
- Refuse to listen or respond to any gossip you are faced with
- Hide any hurt feelings or dramatic reaction to gossip. This fuels the gossips to continue as its often what gossips want to generate.
Confront it:
- Politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they are present
- If you know the source of gossip, go and confront them immediately and calmly tell them you do not appreciate them talking about you and that it causes hurt feelings whether intentional or not.
- If you hear someone start some gossip, offer to go to that victimized person with the gossiper right away to discuss it.
- Simply respond to gossip, “Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” and walk away.
- State I don’t like talking about other people because I don’t like them talking about me.
- State that you don’t talk about others unless its to help them or support them
- State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion
- State that you don’t want to talk about others negatively unless they are involved in the discussion
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December 21st, 2009 at 8:07 AM
The worst thing you can do about gossip is ignore it in my opinion. I’ve always been a big believer in confronting gossipers and embarrassing them by inviting the object of their gossip into a discussion. I have to say it doesn’t make me popular but it makes everyone think twice. Gossip is a poison that saps trust and integrity from the work place. I think if more people took a stand the gossipers would become a lot less brave a lot quicker.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:15 AM
Thanks Michael, yes we need more brave people to stand up against gossipers you are right. I hope my article will give people some actions to stand up against them! It sounds like you are among the willing to do so, a great example for us all!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:27 AM
I come from a background of managing a large team of mostly minimum wage employees and I have seen first hand the danger of letting these stories fester. They can render a workplace unmanagable in no time and damage credibility permanently. Like my boss had to remind every now and again, it’s important remind people what’s “not okay around here” essentially keeping the unwritten rules top of mind.
December 21st, 2009 at 10:16 AM
Hey Mike.
The dangers you pointed out here are certainly valid. Once we partake, it takes us down the road of being part of the circle of indirect comments, where we end up angry somehow. I’ve yet to see something good from talking in a gossipy way about someone to someone else. It usually reeks of weakness, and the person I tell it to then knows my weakness.
Those steps at the end to influence it basically cover everything related to it. Ignoring it is a big one, as people will realize you can’t get sucked into their mental wormhole of social weakness.
“Would you like to have someone share that about you without you knowing?” is a pretty potent line there. I think that would take care of any issues quickly.
Detailed analysis here.
December 21st, 2009 at 11:33 AM
Thanks Armen, I always appreciate your insight to my articles and how it fits into your experiences. This topic is so much bigger and ingrained in our lives than most of us know. I know that writing about it has made me much more aware of when its happening and the tools and phrases to use I’m working on practising thing. They are potent, I like that word!!!
December 21st, 2009 at 5:56 PM
“The biggest problem with it is that most people don’t even realize when a discussing takes a turn towards gossip and even worse is that they don’t realize the impact of gossip.”
This is so accurate. I know in my own experience I’ve often said things that later came back to bite me and more importantly friends who are involved. I’m a strong proponent of authenticity, but I think I often overdo it by being authentic for everyone else (i.e. telling things that I have no right telling).
Then of course it gets blown into a huge problem, and I’m completely unaware until it explodes. Not a good situation to be in.
So yes, I’m with you. The biggest problem or at least the problem that needs to be addressed first is the problem of ignorance. For me, that means constantly seeking to see situations from everyone else’s perspective instead of just my own.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
December 21st, 2009 at 6:02 PM
Marshall, yes, this is a fine line and one I’v faced many times as well on the wrong side of it unintentionally. I’m not a gossiper at all intentionally yet a number of times, especially in my work I find myself getting into dangerous gossip. As a manager, part of my job is discussing people’s performance and working to improve the performance of my team (in my case largely with peers). Its tough to keep the discussions with a positive intent to help from the gossipy type where you are simple talking about them. In fact, I’m been called out several times after a meeting where someone heard this or that about what I said and its come back to bit me. Those are are regretful comments and I’m learned the hard way but am far more aware of gossip as a result. Practicing a few of those statements to stop gossip have helped me immensely. Perhaps I should have included such a story in the article. Thanks for sharing your experience with this struggle Marshall!
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Thank you so much for this post.
The gossip-subject has surfaced often and repeatedly throughout my life in many different set-ups and experienced from various different angles. I have found the avoidance strategy useful when I did not know how else to keep myself from being sucked in … but ultimately as I journey through this life and learn more about the human spirit, our dynamic, about the Self … I am realising that I can change no-one other than myself (remember Ghandi’s call to be the change) … so i found that I wanted to look one step further in all my human encounters and interactions – I want to understand why! Why do we engage in these dynamics – what is it that attracts pretty much all of the world’s population into this dynamic of talking about others and their affairs rather than our own. Social conditioning has us believing that social judgement is where our value gets pegged – we externalise rather than knowing to find our own inner value and everything seems to hinge on public perception. This leaves us ever so vulnerable! We forever teeter on the brink of being socially ostracised. So to keep ourselves “safe” we shift focus to those whom we believe to be in a weaker position than ourselves, or sometimes to those who appear to be a threat … several dynamics really, all very interesting, but it unfailingly comes back to our innate fear of not being worth anything, our innate fear of judgement and exclusion – we are social animals who want love and acceptance – being cut out of the system from which we derive our value and worth is something which fills us with fear.
I find that now I can view gossipers (including myself when I find myself engaging in this manner) with greater compassion and understanding and love. I find myself being able to look for the unmet needs which lie beneath this and so I look to nurture and nourish at the cause level.
Ultimately we all want to be heard, we all want to be accepted, we all want to be valued, we all want unconditional love, yet we understand so little about it, let alone how to give it … or receive it!
Wow – I think I wrote half an essay here … I hope that that is alright. I just all sort of flowed from the fingertips after I read your post. So – very thought provoking 🙂 Thank you!! 🙂
December 22nd, 2009 at 1:56 PM
What an incredible reply Tina. I appreciate the time and thoughts you’ve added. I love your comments about how our social fabric encourages the gossip that exists and the struggle with it. I completely agree and could write so much on that topic as well I am sure. I do hope these tips then help you and others to find that way out of the social judgment we often get stuck in. Thanks for the great perspective on how this ties into all of our lives!!
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:07 PM
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December 27th, 2009 at 4:00 AM
I’m so glad that this issue has been addressed on your blog. I wish someone had told me as a teenager or young adult the risks associated with gossip and how strongly peoples’ feelings are hurt. I hope people reading this can benefit from your message as well as take heed. I imagine with so much influence of social media sites and programs, it’s easier to damage another’s reputation, so we need to be all the more cautious.
December 27th, 2009 at 8:56 AM
Mike,
Thanks for braving the storm on this issue. Everyone gossips – it’s nearly impossible not to. What most of us don’t realize is the damage it does to the person doing the gossiping.
There’s an animated deliciousness around people having a “good gossip” about someone. The special connection only lasts while the gossiping is happening. Often the excitement is mean-spirited, for instance, when we find ourselves making judgments against another person, effectively, separating them from the herd. Shaming them…it’s horrific! No one wants to feel that way.
I have a list of 51 Must-Know Habits for Staying Young – from the inside out. #19 on the list is “Stop Gossiping!â€
Gossip requires fuel from other gossips. Garbage in, garbage out. Gossiping is as toxic as smoking. General rule to follow: in your conversations, refer to others only in ways that you want people referring to you. Stuff happens. It might be you on the “gossip hot-seat†tomorrow.
My list of 51 Habits is available as a free e-book. Visit my site ThatGirlisFunny.com for details.
I feel that we find ourselves in loving moods more often when the topic is inclusive instead of exclusive (why we don’t like you). Cause World Peace…Stop Gossiping!
December 29th, 2009 at 11:54 AM
Great piece Mike,how I wish half the population of the world can read this,gossip will become strange in peoples ear. I love how you write,more grace to you. I will certainly include this as my 2010 goal,never to talk about others except to help and support them.
December 30th, 2009 at 4:54 AM
Some people will always enjoy talking about others. When you validate them, they will feel what they’re doing is right. The best thing to do is to confront and offer solutions.
January 3rd, 2010 at 4:22 PM
Sometimes I think to myself… “Judge yourself first before judging others”, or “who are you talk to like that about others” whenever I hear people talking about gossip about others. I am really not a big fan of gossip, though yes I am human too and sometimes I gossip but most of the time I do try to avoid it myself.
Till then,
Jean
January 5th, 2010 at 11:22 AM
Hi, great post; especially like the useful lines/tools on refusing gossip. I think having an arsenal against gossip makes it easier to stay out of it. I once got caught up in a triangling situation between a manager and the business owner, who were always at odds with each other. Each was coming to me in a confiding way, using me to strengthen their own positions, I suppose. I tried to be nice and diplomatically supportive of both without taking sides but gossip is slimy and rooted in all sorts of insecure and jealous feelings, lack of healthy sense of agency and ability to be appropriately assertive, etc. I got drawn into it and soon was just as lacking in integrity as they were. Learned from that one!
One line that stuck out to me is this one from a previous post: – we are social animals who want love and acceptance – being cut out of the system from which we derive our value and worth is something which fills us with fear”. I think that throws a light on a root issue. There is a real problem with attempting to derive our value from the system. As soon as you try and draw a sense of worth or value from other people you are on shaky ground. People are transient, situations change. Making others the source of our value and acceptance puts us on a roller coaster ride of shifting value and actually puts them in a place of power they were never meant to occupy in our hearts. I noticed a quote from the old testamet book of proverbs. In the bible, putting people in the place meant only for God was called idolatry and always led to all kinds of bondage, defeat and trouble, not to mention misery and unstable states of emotion and identity. When rooted in God’s love for us, fear is no longer a big issue: Perfect love casts out fear.
January 5th, 2010 at 11:35 PM
Everyone has had amazing comments and stories here about gossip and its been great to meet so many new visitors! It seems a lot of people are longing for ways to avoid gossip and clearly its prolific in our lives to some extent for as many passionate responses.
It’s been great to talk to each on email as well and hope the discussion keeps going here.
@Firebrand – Yes, gossip is one of those things there are so many ways we find ourselves drawn into it. Separate people approaching you with different stories seems like a tough to avoid situation but you really can still use some of the phrases/tools I outlined. Especially one like, “I’d be more comfortable talking about this with that person directly. I’d be happy to talk to them about this with you.” This offers some mediation still without the gossip.
Also, yes drawing on a sense of worth from others or what others think is a dangerous thing. I like your point that this puts them in a place of power to occupy our hearts. I definitely don’t want that unless it is a power that comes from love and I don’t believe we have a capacity for that anything near what God has. Thanks for this incredible comment and insight!
January 11th, 2010 at 11:24 PM
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mike_King: How to Free Yourself From Gossip http://goo.gl/fb/ceOE…
February 7th, 2010 at 2:20 PM
I don’t pay much attention to gossip. I really don’t have the time to waste energy on whatever the topic is.
I guess if it isn’t anything dealing directly towards me,I don’t care to hear it.
.-= BunnygotBlog´s last blog ..Sleeping With Your Business Partner =-.
February 7th, 2010 at 9:33 PM
WOW, the long lost Bunny! Welcome back my friend, we’ve all been wondering where and what you have been up to with the silence from the rabbit hole.
I hear what you are saying when it comes to gossip, and avoiding it sure is an easy way to stay clear of it and getting caught up in it. It can all too easily become something thought we have to be ready to combat since it’s easy to get caught up in it.
February 15th, 2010 at 3:16 AM
Ooooh! Sensitive subject. The basic nature of humans is such that we’re prone to gossip, whether the intent is to harm or not. The thing is that an innocent comment quoted out of context can lead to some serious harm, and could break down a relationship irreparably. Rather not engage in gossip, as sooner or later it will backfire on you.
February 17th, 2010 at 12:20 AM
[…] How to Free Yourself From Gossip (LearnThis.ca) […]
June 11th, 2010 at 9:05 AM
This is a terribly difficult habit to break, but once you do you’ll find yourself free. Your stress is lower and you have more time to enjoy people and life!
June 11th, 2010 at 8:30 PM
You are right there Ibrahim. TO break a habit like this you need constant reminders, deliberate practise and courage to see it through consistently until you have changed your beliefs that guide your habit in the first place. Thanks for the comment!
November 10th, 2010 at 11:21 AM
What if the person who is gossiping about you doesn’t care if it hurts you or not? My uncle’s wife has always demonstrated jealousy towards my mother. She was quite disrespectful and callous towards her. My mother is a kind-hearted person who doesn’t believe in lashing out at others, so I stepped in on her behalf. Since then my aunt gossips to anyone who will listen to try and discredit my mother and myself. She’s been at it for years and as a result my mother lost a friend or two in the process. 🙁
November 12th, 2010 at 1:34 AM
@Jules – You definitely have described a bad scenario with gossip. Unfortunately, you cannot always avoid the pain and problems with gossip and that is exactly why it is so important to avoid it and confront it when ever possible. Not everyone is going to respond to this however, as you have mentioned, some don’t care if it hurts you.
I can only suggest that you continue to show the problems it causes, never engage in the gossip directly, avoid the discussions whenever you can and if at all possible, highlight how the gossip makes that person look bad and reflects poorly on their character. You have to do what you can to protect your own character and if you can demonstrate a consistent moral approach, you will overcome a gossiper in the long run, since they will continue to hurt others and themselves, which people will see eventually. I do hope some of this will help you out but obviously it can’t fix an already messy situation or work in every circumstance. If you keep yourself from the gossip however, it is better than engaging in it, no matter what.
November 12th, 2010 at 10:00 AM
[…] How to Free Yourself From Gossip […]
May 23rd, 2012 at 8:58 AM
thanks Mike i never had the courage to confront gossip until i read your article…good Job sir. i prefer to confront the gossiper heads on and in a very mean way, cos those guys piss me off
March 5th, 2013 at 11:51 AM
Great post, gossip is a productivity killer and that’s why it has no place in the workplace, plus its just flat out wrong.
March 14th, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Thanks Tyronne for that comment. I’m amazed at how destructive it can be when it goes on and how so many people just don’t even realize they are causing so many problems with gossip. Definitely a productivity killer, I agree!
October 31st, 2013 at 7:58 AM
I have a mother that is up in age. She has no life other than the church. Every time I go to her house she constantly gossips about everyone their from the pulpit to the door. I try to spend time with her but this is really stressing me outout
Any suggestions?
October 31st, 2013 at 9:30 PM
Gossip can be a very difficult thing to break as a habit. Unfortunately it’s also true that a lot of Church goers suffer from gossip being a habit, which is certainly not a great way to spend ones efforts in a good moral or spiritual way. The article should give some advice to guard yourself, but in order to change others, keep in mind you can only influence then, not change them directly. Point out the impact it has on you and what risks you see but don’t expect to change someone else, only yourself. Gossip is one of those places, I can only recommend to keep yourself out of it, bring others topics, talk about things and life, not people for drama.