Learning to Say No
Relationships November 25th, 2011I’m a very direct person when it comes to how I communicate and saying ‘no’ has never been that difficult for me. However, that is not the case for most people and I have had to coach several people on learning to say no to prevent themselves from being overwhelmed or burdened by requests from others they regretted taking on. There are a few ways to make saying no easier and the first thing to remember is that the whole reason it might seem uncomfortable to say no is entirely in your own mind.  The reason people ASK for things IS to give you the opportunity to say no when it is the right response for you using used cell phones.  Remember that and take a look at these additional techniques.
Change How You Delivery a No
Saying no to most people may seem to harsh and often they are simple too uncomfortable with the words. Â You can soften and change the delivery of a ‘no’ by a few things:
- give an explanation – this helps associate logic with the response (some p
eople value that) - say you want to, but simply cannot or are unable to at that time
- No thanks, I’m simply not interested.
- Well I’d love to, but I don’t have time this weekend, sorry.
Say No When It Truly Matters
When first learning to say no, it might be very difficult to have that response for everything you want to actually say no to. Â There are certainly things you value your time for more than others and its these most important things you value that will help you say no when requests come piling in for your time. Â Perhaps its your time with your family you value most, perhaps its your activities, a special event; whatever it is, remembering to keep time available or that important item will help you identify which requests you should start saying ‘no’ to. Â The ones that will impact your important time the most, the things that truly matter to you, those are the ones you need to start saying no to first.
Look at your priorities and ask yourself if the new request is more important than those top priority items you want to keep time for and ask if you can fit it in without loosing the time you need for what truly matters. Â If either are at risk, it might be a good time to say no.
Keep Previous Commitments
For me, commitments mean a lot and I intend to uphold every commitment that I make. Â It builds trust with others when you do what you say and you gain a lot of confidence when you are able to actually deliver the things you promise. Â That trust can be something you hold a lot of value in or it can be something you put at risk. Â When you are asked for a new commitment, often there is a previous commitment at stake and some risk you won’t have the ability or time to uphold both. Â My advice is to keep the first one, keeping that trust and learning to say no to next conflicting request. Â Over time, if you are able to maintain commitments and keep that trust with others, the times when you need to say no because of another commitment, become much easier and authentic. Â In other words, people will believe you have a legitimate reason and won’t second guess you or think you are just making excuses. Â Saying no becomes a lot easier when you have something such as trust at stake and you want to uphold for your character more than some new one off request. Â Also, when you know you are going to carry through on any commitment you do make, even something that doesn’t conflict know with an important task, you will know that it might get in the way of something new that comes in that will be more important. Â If you already committed to do the first thing, you won’t leave much room for new additional requests that might be more important to you. Â Keep this in mind as well and learn to say no when when something isn’t a priority for you and you think it will create a conflicting commitment. Â Keep your previous commitments and build that trust with others by doing what you say you will do and sticking to your promises. Â If that means you need to say no more often, then at least it is a very good reason to do so.
Don’t Mask It, Use the Word No
Sometimes its hard to say no because you are too subtle, or only hinting that you might say no. Many people won’t take no as an answer or will keep pressuring you if you are not clearly saying no. Â Once you’ve had some practice saying no in the other methods in this article, it becomes even easier to start using the word no directly. Â Its OK to be direct sometimes as it prevents people from pushing harder or making assumptions that you might change your mind or commit with a bit more nagging. Â When you really do want to say no, you should really use the word directly in your response and not mask it behind a maybe or I’ll get back to you. Â Simply be polite and say no.
Offer a Suggestion or Another Option
Finally, another great way to learn to say no is to offer another suggestion or option when you are not willing to take on the request. Â You can say no to what is asked directly, but then still offer something in return if you are not yet comfortable saying no and leaving it at that (Brother MFC 9970CDW). Â You might offer another time that works better for you, you might offer to help for only a portion of what was asked or perhaps you can do something in another way, or lead them to someone else who would not want to say no and be more interested. Â Whatever the request, if you do have something else to offer as a suggestion, it can make saying no yourself much easier to do. Â I’m certainly not recommending that you deflect requests to other people so you can get out of it, I’m only suggesting to offer a better or more likely solution, which might be someone who is more interested, or it might be something else they could do as an alternative. Â What ever else you come up, keep it helpful and genuine. Â Offer the other option while you firmly say no to the original request and only offer an alternative that you would want to commit to, otherwise it is still best to simply say no and leave it at that.
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November 27th, 2011 at 4:28 PM
I’d add one to the “ways to soften the blow” list: have a good inventory of what you’ve said “yes” to and don’t be afraid to share it when appropriate. In my own work, it’s rarely easy to tell a project manager, “No, there are no resources for that,” but it’s easier to do so when I can name what those resources have already been assigned to.
November 28th, 2011 at 3:06 PM
Hi Mike.
For me I am learning to say no to fun and yes to money whereas I used to say yes to fun more often and have less time for money.
We shift as we grow.
I try to make my no’s as extreme as possible, like by saying “I wouldn’t ever do that no way no how I won’t even think about doing it how could you bring it up?”. I like to do things like that. For most, though, your delivery options would work better.
Cool stuff.
November 29th, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Haha, very funny Armen. I’m needing to shift my nos towards the work more than the fun, guess we’re in a different situation right now. I know I have too much on the go sometimes with my day job, side business and blogging. Easy to get lost without time for other fun activities. Problem is, this advice doesn’t work well when it comes to saying no to yourself, since I don’t have any pressures for those things, they just happen for me. Its good and bad sometimes to have the extra work to do.
December 5th, 2011 at 8:51 AM
Wise words, Mike. It’s very easy to say yes to everything and later realise that we’ve taken on too much. When it gets this far, the risk is that the person will be rude in the way they do finally say “no.” But like you say, it’s all about being nice, polite, friendly and positive – and you can’t say no to that!
December 10th, 2011 at 9:41 AM
I have this problem but it is mostly with family members, which makes it 2x as hard to say no.
December 14th, 2011 at 6:10 PM
For me the easiest way to say no to certain people and certain activities was to post a list of rules in front of me on my desk and to review my goals every day.
When your goals are in front of you it makes it much easier to think long term and say no to those things that will hurt you in the long run.
Great Post!
January 3rd, 2012 at 11:08 PM
This isn’t to say all affiliate marketers are dishonest, of course. And if you work hard to market your product, you can make nice commissions. But it’s up to you to sell. In some markets, there is an over saturation.
January 13th, 2012 at 3:25 PM
If in some circumstances you find it too difficult to say No you can always compromise with an alternative. For example “No, but I can do this” or “No, but I will at a later date”. Your answer doesn’t always have to be so absolute.
January 21st, 2012 at 1:10 AM
Oh yea, I’m definitely one of those people who skimp at saying no. I usually try to soften the blow, so to speak, by saying things like, ‘Ah, I’m afraid I can’t do that because..’. Although, when I’m in a bad mood, I am less hesitant to sugarcoat it.
I guess what I try to do is vary my response from person to person. If it is a close friend or relative, I will be less direct with my negatory whereas if it is a co-worker, I have no trouble being direct as that is the best to communicate at a workplace after all.
-Jean
January 21st, 2012 at 11:39 PM
Thanks Jean, I have to say to be careful with your last statement though, as I have to argue that its not true, it is not ALWAYS best to be direct when communicating in the workplace. It is the same as elsewhere, it depends on the style of the person you are communicating too, not the circumstance of the communication. A sensitive, easily intimidated person will not take well to direct response most of the time so it depends on who and how you say no. You can however be sensitive and kind at the same time as being direct and straight forward though, perhaps that is what you mean. I hope so.
January 23rd, 2012 at 3:54 AM
Good point, Mike and I totally agree. It’s just that at my workplace where I supervise, most of the employees that work under me are never there for too long thus rarely leading to the formation of any sort of bond or relationship that has to be nurtured as such so we’re all very direct and matter-of-fact while communicating, as a result.
-Jean
January 24th, 2012 at 7:01 AM
I always think that is important to be able to say no.
However, especially with your children, you should give a motivation.
Say NO could brings to a rebellion.
By explaining why “no”, you will be able to build a strong relationship based on truth and trust
February 2nd, 2012 at 1:18 AM
The virtues of prudence and moderation come into play here. If a request is reasonable and achievable then say yes.